by Greg Gay
Introduction
1995 Preacher's Study Notes
When conducting premarital counseling I always have a session on "
How to fight." To introduce the topic I ask the innocent couple, "
Have you had a serious argument, yet?" While a few have said yes, the usual answer is a giggle, a loving glance at each and then one says something like, "
No, and we never will." To which I reply, "
Oh, yes you will, and I want to help you prepare for that time."
We learn from our parents and other adults, usually at a very early age, that being married includes disagreements. If we are fortunate, we learn that disagreements are a little scary, but they do not stop our family from existing or our mother and father from loving each other. If we are unfortunate, we learn that disagreements can be very scary, our mother and father stay angry with each other much of the time, they do not act like they love each other, and may even separate, divorce, or live emotionally separated in the same home.
A woman related an incident involving the six-year-old daughter of a neighbor who had just heard the story of Cinderella for the first time. The little girl retold the story up to the climax, and then asked, "
Do you know what happened then?" The woman said, "
They lived happily ever after." "
No. they didn't. They got married!" her little friend replied.
As the child seemed to sense, getting married and living happily ever after are not necessarily synonymous (Osborne 70).
Cocoris writes:
“While dating, some couples buy the fairy tale about getting married and living happily ever after. Then they get married only to discover problems. problems. and more problems! Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night. There's a ring and then you wake up. Even after some couples wake up, they persuade themselves that after they mature they will no longer have problems. Of course, that is also a fantasy. Let's face it. Married people have problems. There will be problems in marriage. The question is, How do you handle them?” (Cocoris 43-44).
Onetia Watson was a dear friend of ours from the church in Yuba City, California who died of cancer earlier this year. She wrote about marriage:
“I'm always amused when people tell me, ’You are so lucky that you've got a good marriage.’ The implication is that it just fell into our laps with no effort on our part. Those who have known Bill and I from the beginning are aware of how rocky our relationship was in the earlier years. If we hadn't been totally committed to the belief that marriage was a sacred vow we took before God and mankind we would never have stayed together. We worked toward making a Christian home. God has blessed us beyond measure for any sacrifices we made along the way. The romantic notions we had in the beginning have been replaced by a relationship that is infinitely deeper, richer and more exciting. We can all have that kind of marriage if we use the following motto: God first, mate second, self last” (Watson 3-4).
For a marriage to be "good" takes a lot of work. That is why God tells us that when we marry, our interests are divided: "But he that is married cares for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. . . she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:33-34, KJV).
When we marry, God intends that a portion of the energy previously put into serving Him, now expended serving our spouse. God is still first and is to be loved more than family member (Matthew 10:37; 1 Corinthians 11:3), but our spouse becomes a strong second priority. This becomes a new priority that God approves (Hebrews 13:4).
Conflict resolution is only one aspect of a strong family, there are many other components of family relationships that must be considered in order for a family to function well. At a minimum, the husband and wife in a strong family "are committed to the family, spend time together, have good family communication, express appreciation to each other, have a spiritual commitment, and are able to solve problems in a crisis" (Stinnett).
Perhaps it is problems in most of these areas that led "38 percent of married women who were still with their first husband to say they would not marry the same man again." The Women's Day magazine survey also reported "while 50 percent would, 12 percent were undecided." That means up to half of married women would likely say, "No thanks," if given the choice to marry their current husband again.
How Important is Conflict Resolution?Seattle researcher John Gottman believes that enduring marriages are the result of spouses' ability to handle conflict in their marriage. In pursuit of the truth about what tears a marriage apart or binds it together, I have found that much of the conventional wisdom --- even among marital therapists --- is either misguided or dead wrong. A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. We grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving and truly experience the fruits of marriage (Gottman Collins 111).
There is a difference between minor quarrels and minor disagreements, which are natural and expected in the home, and problems which develop into a crisis. In fact, some have even gone so far as to encourage minor, friendly, "trivial fighting," which takes on more the form of a debate than an argument as a means to stimulate love. "It is fortunate that sometimes the very absence of major fight issues makes intimates 'pick' fights. They may bicker to upset the marital applecart just to be sure there are no rotten apples in the load" (Bach 359-360).
Much of the time however, there is no "absence of major fight issues." There are plenty of emotional "buttons to push", and fights can start with just a word or a glance.
Conflict is normal and natural in the development of relationships --- especially in marriage, where two unique individuals enter into an intimate union. In marriage conflicts arise because husbands and wives have different opinions, values, philosophies, and methods. Conflict in marriage may be developmental, or it may be devastating --- depending on how it is handled. The art of resolving conflicts is a key to keeping marriage healthy. It is a measure of maturity, and part of the lifelong process of "two becoming one" (Husbands & Wives: God's Design for the Family 45).
What Creates a Crisis in a Marriage?
To apply Wayne Fussell's definition of crisis from his summary to marriage: "Crisis in a marriage is when the husband and wife face problems which are so overwhelming that a feeling of distress and inability to function in a normal way is experienced."
Peter Daniels writes:
“When a major crisis hits, a reaction can form in many different ways. It may be a cold feeling deep in the stomach followed by despair. At other times it may be panic followed by fear or calmness, or guilt.
But there is one thing for sure --- there will be a reaction depending on the size of the calamity and the direct relationship it has upon your family, yourself and your livelihood”(15-16).
There are many things, large and small, that individually or collectively can create a crisis in a marriage. Crisis triggers can include:· a move,
· a job transfer,
· the loss of job or income,
· the death of a close friend or relative (parents or children),
· retirement,
· the birth of a child,
· the leaving of adult children (empty nest),
· a promotion which results in more time at work or away from home,
· extreme expectations in any area including financially or sexually,
· differences of opinion over child rearing and discipline,
· an unfaithful child who leaves the church (parents blame each other),
· a child in trouble: drugs, pregnancy, with the law,
· a spouse who leaves the church,
· a spouse who is sexually unfaithful,
· a spouse who is discovered to be a criminal,
· a spouse who won't work,
· a spouse dealing with having been abused as a child.
Divorce can be considered one of the ultimate marital conflicts. Couples interviewed after divorce listed their reasons for their divorce. The top ten most common reasons are:1. Growing apart, losing a sense of closeness
2. Not feeling loved and appreciated by spouse
3. Sexual intimacy problems
4. Serious differences in values or lifestyle
5. Spouse unwilling or unable to meet partner's needs
6. Frequently felt put down or belittled by their spouse
7. Emotional problems of spouse
8. Conflict about spending and handling money
9. Severe and intense conflict and frequent fighting
10. Conflicts about roles (e.g., division of labor)(Gigy, Collins 217)
Another author says:
“Factors which can help cause disunity in marriage: fatigue, unfulfilled needs, financial difficulties, busy schedule, family background, relatives, lack of fellowship with God, unrealistic expectations, unwillingness to communicate, sarcasm or demeaning remarks, making false assumptions, jumping to conclusions, inflexibility, irritating habits, tactlessness, nagging” (Husbands & Wives: God's Design for the Family 48).
Dr. Safilios-Tothschild writes:
“A wife can prepare the husband's favorite dishes or torture him with badly prepared food; can take good care of his clothes or neglect them; keep a neat and attractive house or leave it sloppy and disorganized; be a great companion and host or a miserable one; be a responsive sexual partner or a frigid one, or totally refuse to have sexual relations with him; be sweet, affectionate, understanding, supporting and loving or sour, cold, distant, critical, demanding and unfriendly.. . Of course the husband has at his disposal a similar range of 'resources.' A husband may share household tasks with his wife or refuse to do anything because of his 'heavy' schedule and spend that time with friends; he may go out often with his wife or hardly at all” (Safilios-Tothschild, Cadden 207).
While the things we have listed can cause and contribute to marital crises, there is certainly no guarantee they will or even that they must. Much depends on the attitude of the husband and wife about themselves and their relationship. Each couple must ask themselves, "What are those areas in our relationship where there are problems, but we cannot talk about them?" These are the areas where the couple is most likely to have problems that lead to a crisis.
Cecil Osborne writes:
“There are three basic kinds of marital situations: the impossible, the personal, and the situational.
I would define the "impossible" situation as one in which the two should never have married in the first place, and in which there appears to be little or no willingness on the part of one or both to make any significant change in their personalities or procedures.
The second category of marital difficulties involves the "personal," that is, those individuals with personality problems who are sufficiently realistic to work toward the goal of greater emotional growth.
The third category involves the "situational," where a husband and wife are basically mature, reasonably well suited to each other by temperament and background, but have not learned some of the important techniques by which daily issues are resolved” (20-21).
“Sometimes people rock along in their marriage for years only to wake up and discover they do not know each other. With our busy lives today a couple can easily go for weeks and not have spent any time together. ‘Married but lonely’ would describe the condition of many people today. Conflicting work schedules, differences in upbringing and expectations, selfishness, unexpected difficulties, and countless other factors conspire to isolate marriage partners from each other" (Homer 115).
"Sociologists say the top five reasons for problems in marriage are: money, sex, children, In-Laws and religion. There is no doubt that these five areas of conflict crop up in a marriage like weeds in a yard" (Cocoris 43-44).
We will consider these and a few others individually: 1. Money. Dean Merril writes: "Long after our sexual lives have been harmonized, our major career choices have been agreed upon, and the size of our family has been determined, we can still be hassling over money, with no solution in sight" (53).
In my growing up years, my father and mother had a checking account. They were very careful to record every check, and check and double check the balance. Every month my mother always balanced the account to the penny. When my wife, Cassie, was growing up, her family also had a checking account. They wrote checks, but they rarely wrote them down and never kept a balance. When Cassie became a teenager, she was added to the account and was able to write checks around town. When we got married, we opened a joint checking account. In my wildest dreams I could not imagine her perception of a checking account. In her wildest dreams she could not imagine my perception of a checking account. Imagine my shock after we were married when I looked at the checkbook and checks were missing but not written down. Imagine her shock when I demanded to know to whom she had written checks and in what amounts. Many years later she still writes a lot of checks, but she is very good about writing them down.
The family that never disagrees over money is very rare. Perry writes: "Money has caused disagreements, broken relationships, suspicion, division, and pain" (7). Money is usually one of those topics that is ignored as long as humanly possible before it is brought up, because each spouse can correctly point out so many problems the other has in handling money. I tell Cassie, "You can spend a thousand dollars a month on gum and breath mints." She says, "You can spend a thousand dollars a month on books." The problem is, we are both right, although she is nearer correct than I am. But, blaming each other does not solve the problem. Instead, a couple must come to agreement on the issue, and that can be very difficult. Every home needs financial understanding, agreement, and a plan in order to avoid having continuing crises over money.
With the availability of plastic money, couples can easily get themselves into long- term debt that will interfere with their lives for years and affect their relationship. This is so prevalent in our society, it effects the church and the money that is given in the contribution for the Lord's work. Swindoll says, "Alas, for many couples, long before death separates them, debts will" (Swindoll 133).
2. Sexual Problems. God wants a husband to desire his wife and a wife to desire her husband (1 Corinthians 7:3-4), but there is no guarantee this desire will always happen at the same time.
Tim and Beverly LaHaye write:
“One of the most common misconceptions in the minds of young married women pertains to the sexual needs of their husbands. Due to their lack of experience and preconceived notions many young wives do not share their husbands' enthusiasm for lovemaking. This trend seems to reverse itself later in the marriage, but in the earlier years the frequency of sex is often cause for conflict and disagreement” (23).
Sometimes a spouse, usually the man, uses natural sexual conflicts as an excuse for real or threatened unfaithfulness. It is not uncommon for a man to tie his promise of fidelity to his wife's appearance or his own happiness and contentment. James Orten says:
“If the only reasons one is sexually faithful to his spouse are that he feels good toward her and finds her more alluring than anyone else, that relationship can never be secure. In the final analysis, spouses are faithful to each other, if they are, because they make a commitment to be so, and each takes the responsibility to see that he keeps it” (Orten, Marriage 158).
Dr. James Dobson answers the question, "Would you say that most marital problems are caused by sexual difficulties?" He replies, "No, the opposite is more accurate. Most sexual problems are caused by marital difficulties. Or stated another way, marital conflicts occurring in bed are usually caused by marital conflicts occurring out of bed" (What Wives Wish 129).
3. Children. When children first enter a marriage there is an immediate redefining
of roles in the home. B.C.(before children), the husband and wife are able to devote all of their spare time to each other. Now, they must share. They do not just share themselves with another person, but with a demanding infant, who will take hours and hours of attention, morning, noon, and night, sometimes even all night. No wonder marriages can get turned upside down during this time.
No man can compete with a child for the attention of the mother, and win. If he demands more of her time, he is a selfish and an uncaring father. If the wife attends to her husband reluctantly, both will be resentful. Faced with this dilemma, many men withdraw emotionally. They may turn to work, sports, hobbies, friends, or to other women to find the emotional acceptance they feel themselves denied in their marriage. "It is a wise woman who recognizes this natural insecurity and makes adjustments to be sensitive to her husband" (Lund 47).
After parents survive their children's terrible two's they may think nothing can be worse than this. Then, before they know it, their babies are teenagers and they long for
those days of babyhood once again. These are tough times for a marriage. "So many
crises come about the time kids enter their teens. Like any other conflicts, they can tear your whole marriage apart. Or your marriage can grow stronger as parents help each
other and the kids" (Minirth 121).
There are also special relationship problems if a child is not healthy. I found this
following quote from The Wall Street Journal particularly interesting since my son
and his wife have a six-month-old baby boy (Hayden Gregory) who has already had
major heart surgery.
“A 1988 survey of children's health indicated that couples whose children were blind or had cerebral palsy or congenital heart disease before they were five were three to four times more likely to split up than those with similar educational and economic backgrounds but with healthy children. Couples whose preschool children had delayed development or showed substantial learning disabilities or emotional problems had divorce rates 35% to 80% higher than those whose children didn't have those problems.”
4. In-Laws. Interfering In-Laws can cause many problems in a marriage. Sometimes because they invite themselves into the relationship, other times because they are invited into the relationship by a child who has not truly left the nest. If the in-law relationships survive the wedding without problems, the marriage is off to a good start; however, that is only the beginning.
The following summary is offered as an outline for in-law relationships.
1. Share your feelings about your families respectfully.
2. Show your families you care about them.
3. Try to cultivate a positive relationship with new relatives.
4. Always consider alternative solutions and try to compromise.
5. Demonstrate to relatives the relationship you want with them.
6. Don't take everything relatives say at face value.
7. Present a united front. (Arond 49-53)
5. Religion. Many conflicts are created when Christians many outside the church. These problems include issues with time, money, entertainment, language, and priorities. The problems only intensify when the Christian does not live according to 1 Peter 3:1-7 in the relationship.
There are also problems if a Christian marries someone who has been recently converted. Even though both are Christians, the spouse who is more experienced in the church will likely carry the brunt of the religious focus in the home. If that happens to be the wife, she ends up trying to be the spiritual teacher and leader of the home at the same time she is the loving, submissive wife. This creates problems.
Even if both have been "raised in the church," there will still be differences in how religion is expressed. Are they totally dedicated to God? Will the couple attend worship one, two, or three times a week? Will they attend area gospel meetings? Will they contribute very little or a lot? Will they pray and study the Bible at home? All of these are potential areas for many problems.
6. Communication. One of the greatest needs in a relationship is communication. If it is missing after a couple marry, they will never know each other as they should. True communication is a great risk because of the possibility of rejection or judgment. How much should a married couple open up to each other?
Jan and Bob Homer respond:
“The word "transparency" is often used to describe two people who are committed to each other, who trust each other and thus are able to know each other well. Not all people want to be transparent with one another. In fact, many feel that being transparent is one of the greatest risks they can take” (35).
“Most couples today sail into marriage assuming that they do know one another, most are anxious to communicate and eager to listen to the other, but each partner is capable of blocking real encounter with a barricade of fear” (Huggett 19).
Even if "transparency" is a great risk, it is still necessary to prevent problems in the marriage: "If we don't hear one another, we can't achieve understanding. And without understanding, it's impossible to resolve conflict. So becoming a good listener is a key step toward resolving conflict and opening the lines of communication" (Homer 51).
7. Men and Their Communication. It is well known that men and women communicate differently. I've heard it said men communicate best "side-by-side," as in riding in a car or sitting in the stands watching a game. Women on the other hand communicate best "face-to-face," as in visiting across a table. Just being male and female creates tension in this very important area of communication, because when one is physically ready for their best communication the other never is. Without understanding, neither one will communicate, but most of the time, the one who fails in this department is the husband. One woman who had been married several times reached this conclusion: "All husbands are alike, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart" (Bergler 21).
“Marriage counselors estimate that at least one half of the cases they see involve a silent husband. Men have a tendency to avoid conflict in discussion. Ironically, the issues they avoid are often the ones that indicate where adjustments and changes need to be made-and fast” (Wright, Communication 139).
The silence of men is not a new problem. I see it often in couples I counsel. The woman is usually more than willing to share every detail of their troubled relationship. On the other hand, the man is usually more than willing to say nothing. Not only is this problem not new, it even goes back to the first man, Adam.
After Adam and Eve were created, Satan came along and tempted Eve (Genesis 3:1-6). While we are not told for certain, it appears that Adam was with her during this time of temptation. "And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; [who was with her, NIV] and he did eat" (Genesis 3:6, KJV).
Dr. Larry Crabb likens Satan's entrance into the garden to the chaos of darkness that God spoke into in the beginning. When Satan tempts Eve,
“What happens in the face of chaos? Ironically, it is Eve who reflects the image of God more clearly than Adam, because she speaks with the serpent. But what about Adam? If Adam was there, he was not speaking. Chaos had entered his perfect world, and he stood dumbfounded in its confusion and darkness. The Scriptures record no instruction from God to Adam about what to say to the serpent. So Adam said nothing.
God's speaking brought creation out of chaos; Adam's silence brought chaos back to creation. Remember that God used language to establish relationship; Adam used silence to destroy relationship. Adam ruined paradise by failing to do something. Adam, the image-bearer, did not reflect his God, because he chose to be absent, silent, and forgetful of God's command” (91).
Like Adam of old, men today who fail to communicate can allow silence to destroy their relationship.
Neither are men likely to be very observant, even of the obvious. Dr. James Dobson humorously illustrates the problem with men's communication:
“I'm reminded of the night my father was preaching in an open tent service which was attended by more cats and dogs than people. During the course of his sermon, one large alley cat decided to take a nap on the platform. Inevitably, my father took a step backward and planted his heel squarely on the tail of the torn. The cat literally went crazy scratching and clawing to free his tail from my father's 6-foot 3-inch frame. But Dad could become very preoccupied while preaching, and he didn't notice the disturbance. There at his feet was a panicky animal, digging holes in the carpet and screaming for mercy, yet the heel did not move. Dad later said he thought the screech came from the brakes of automobiles at a nearby corner. When my father finally walked off the cat's tail, still unaware of the commotion, the tom took off like a Saturn rocket.”
This story typifies many twentieth century marriages. The wife is screaming and
clawing the air and writhing in pain, but the husband is oblivious to her panic. He is preoccupied with his own thoughts, not realizing that a single step to the right or left could alleviate the crisis. I never cease to be amazed at just how deaf a man can become under these circumstances (Straight Talk 96).
8. Decision making. Much of the adjustment in marriage is over the decision making process. Who has the right to make what decisions in the home? In our nation's culture much effort has gone into the "equality of the sexes." We must understand "equality" is never an issue with God. God is no respecter of persons (Acts 10:34) but He has assigned a separate role for the husband and wife in the home (1 Corinthians 11:3). Many times problems in the home are caused by each not taking their God given place. The man abdicates his place, the woman does the same, they have a continual power struggle, and their home is headed for trouble.
Again, most of the time, in my opinion, the man is the primary one at fault. Whenever the man, the husband, fails to take his proper place as the submissive, servant-leader, head of his home, the results are always tragic.
Imagine how the church would drift without Christ as its faithful, reliable head. Could the church stay on course without Christ's faithfulness? Of course not. Neither can a home be all God wants it to be without faithfulness on the part of the head of that home.
Please know, all the things we have discussed can certainly be factors in a crisis. But, in order for a crisis to occur, many choices must be made deliberately. In my experience, after the shock of a crisis goes away, rarely are a couple surprised they have arrived at a point of crisis in their relationship. They have usually been working toward that end for a long, long time.
How Can A Couple Sense That A Crisis Is Developing?Obviously, if a major crisis occurs a couple will not have to worry about sensing it --- it will hit them up side the head. But that is not the way all crises come. Some crises develop from small problems that accumulate and creep up on the relationship, seemingly "overtaking" the marriage. In that respect, it can be said a marriage can be "overtaken in a fault" (Galatians 6:1).
When doctors from the Minirth-Meier Clinic in Richardson, Texas deal with marital problems, "they deal with three entities: the husband, the wife, and the marriage itself, as if the marriage were a living, breathing organism. For it is. If a marriage is not growing, it is dying" (Minirth 16).
A marriage is not growing and headed for a crisis when the husband and wife: · find themselves not giving their mate the benefit of the doubt when small problems come;
· do not choose to love in word, thought, or in deed;
· attempt to "get even" at every little thing;
· allow the little things that originally attracted them to one another to become repulsive;
· would rather be with almost anyone except their spouse;
· would rather be almost anywhere except home;
· have no happiness in the relationship;
· deliberately choose to stop giving of themselves in the relationship.
Couples can also sense a crisis is developing when they decide they really do not care about each other any more. I have seen this taken to the extreme of one spouse not taking the other food when they were ill.
When these things invade a home, there will always be a tragic reaction. Even if the couple stay together, there may be an emotional divorce where neither spouse makes an effort to keep the marriage alive.
1. Expectations. When a couple marries, they must adjust their expectations to the reality of the relationship. Part of the family process is "leaving" and "cleaving" (Matthew 19:5), but this does not mean the new husband and wife know each other extremely well. For example, if the couple has been less than honest with each other in their courtship, all those deceptions will come to light and will need to be dealt with in the marriage. After all, during the courtship is when both put their “best face.” It is only after marriage that the real individuals are seen and known.
Swindoll writes:
“Inventory your premarital understanding of one another. Did you know he liked TV sports? Did you know she liked to go to bed early and get up early? Did you know he was not handy with tools? Did you know she craves a clean house? Did you lead each other into thinking incorrectly about your likes and dislikes? Were you really honest?”
(Strike 35).
When expectations are not met, the tendency is to withdraw emotionally from the relationship one small step at a time. This eventually becomes an emotional divorce while the couple are still together in the home.
“There are events, circumstances, and situations which qualify as prime times for emotional divorce. These include but are not limited to the honeymoon, the first year, employment of mothers outside of the home, arrival of the first children, departure of the last child, severe arguments, and the forties fantasy (mid-life crisis).
These critical times for emotional divorce are often associated with frustration and unmet expectations --- all frustration is based on expectation. If you did not expect a clean house, you would not be frustrated by a messy one. If you did not expect a compliment, you would not be disappointed when it isn’t forth coming. If you did not expect to be held, hugged, kissed, talked to, or worked for, you would not be frustrated when such things do not occur” (Lund 43).
Many times expectations are nurtured and increased by the courtship process only to be dashed after the “I do’s.” Expectations do not cease after marriage --- often they increase over time to the point of ridiculousness. By the time a couple seeks help their expectations of one another can be so high Superman could not please the woman, and Superwoman could not please the man. Instead of being happy and thankful for their marriage and God’s blessings, they have unreasonable expectations of one another and are miserable.
2. Trivial complaints. In one of their public-opinion surveys some years ago the pollsters of the Louis Harris organization asked couples across the country, “Most of the time, what is the single source of friction between you and your spouse?” The two main fight issues mentioned by husbands and wives were money spending and child-raising. However, as a close third they listed a variety of remarkably trivial-sounding complaints. Husbands objected to too much petty criticism from the wives. Wives complained because their husbands were too sloppy around the house (Bach 352). These trivial complaints are the “little foxes, that spoil the vines” (Song of Solomon 2:15).
Swindoll observes,
“I’m convinced it’s not the big things that weaken a marriage. On the contrary, big problems frequently strengthen marriages. The loss of a job, sudden illness, the death of a child these more often than not deepen our love and enhance a relationship. . . It’s the little things. The slow leaks, not the blowouts. The insidious “pests” we seldom even consider that cut away at the heart of a home until finally, it crumbles as two people walk away” (Swindoll, Strike 87).
3. Romance. Another sign a crisis is developing is when there is no romance left in the marriage. While romance as a necessity in the longevity of a marriage can be debated, I believe there is always a place for it. The other side of the debate says there is a “marriage myth that lasting romance is the key to a successful marriage and that reality is romance can’t help but fade within the routines of married life” (Laxarus).
Even if romance can’t help but fade, it is wonderful to keep romance alive in a marriage. Do not discount the value of a bouquet of flowers, and other small gifts that say to your spouse, “I care.” I occasionally stop at the store and buy Cassie, my wife, a bouquet of flowers. Not often enough to be predictable, but often enough that she keeps a vase handy. I love the way her eyes light up at the sight of flowers. One of the sweetest presents my wife has ever given me was several cards secretly placed in my suitcase when I went to Russia for an extended trip. Each card’s envelope was dated when I could open it and contained a sweet message inside. Needless to say, I looked forward to “mail” day.
Remember, when we first get to know each other in courtship, the woman is beautiful in everything she wears and must be helped in and out of the car. The man always thinks and says just the right things. While that must fade, must it fade away completely? I don’t think so. In counseling, I often urge the couple to remember the happy hours of their relationship in the beginning when they just could not get enough of each other’s company and just to hear the sound of their voice brought happiness. While they may not be able to recapture that feeling, at least they can remember when they wanted to be together. That is not a cure for the couple’s problems, but it can be a beginning step toward better communication.
James Orten asks the question: “You often hear couples in troubled marriages advised to spend more time together, go out to dinner together, and so forth. Does that really help?” James replies,
“Spending more time together may help troubled spouses, but it also may hurt if it is not done thoughtfully. Such advice reflects prejudices that many Americans have about marriage. One of them is that there are magical things that husbands and wives can do; and if they do them, they will automatically have happy marriages. That really is not true. If a marriage is working poorly, the reason is not that some magical formula was forgotten but that that particular couple has not acquired the attitudes and skills to live together well. Nothing can substitute for the patient work of changing themselves in these necessary ways” (Orten, Marriage 200).
4. Chose wrong mate. Many become so disillusioned in their marriage they end up thinking they have chosen the wrong mate. This accompanies the age old belief, “There is only one for me” and, if I’m not happy, then I must not have found the right “one.” One of the fallacies that religious people fall into when they are involved in adultery is this false line of reasoning: “God wants me to be happy. I’m not happy with my spouse. I am happy in this adulterous relationship. Therefore it must be correct for me to divorce my spouse and marry this person I’m happy with. God wants me to do this.” Obviously, that reasoning is seriously flawed, but it is a pattern that repeats itself over and over again, even in the church.
Edward Hindson writes:
“Many depressed couples become deceived into thinking that they may have married the “wrong person.” This is a tragic misconception. You must learn to trust the God of the circumstances of your life. A powerful scriptural example of this is seen in the life of Jacob. His choice was Rachel, but God’s choice was Leah. As adverse as the circumstances of his marriage were, Jacob still should have accepted God’s choice. Let me prove this to you. While at first Jacob loved Rachel and hated Leah, he later changed his attitude. When he died, he was buried with Leah, not Rachel (Genesis 49:31). It was Leah, the mother of Judah, who became the progenitor of the line of Christ. She was definitely God’s choice for Jacob. Learn to trust God’s choices for your life” (38).
5. Communication. Communication, particularly the type of communication that occurs in a home is a key factor in determining whether or not a crisis is developing.
Dysfunctional families have learned faulty communication processes. The three
dysfunctional roles are as follows:1. Placating: Attempting to avoid a conflict situation by being overly agreeable or giving in to another person. Non-assertive, passive, accepted behavior is the norm. This person is sometimes referred to as the martyr in a relationship.
2. Blaming: Avoidance of conflict by increasing the stress temporarily and forcing the other person into a passive-defensive position. A person in this role will overreact in an aggressive way in order to protect a weak personal position on a particular issue or to guard a poor self-concept. Acting out behavior may be part of the blaming role. It may also be seen as a power play in a relationship.
3. Irrelevancy: This role is an attempt to reduce stress by avoiding the conflict situation. This person distracts the other participant(s) from the conflict. By shifting the focus from the immediate conflict situation, confrontation is avoided and stress is temporarily reduced. Common irrelevant behaviors include psychosomatic illness, inappropriate talking or playing in a counseling session, abrupt changes in the topic of conversation, and temper tantrums (Walsh 13-14).
It is not uncommon for a couple who are miserable with each other to not talk about anything other than surface issues for months and years at a time. Theirs is a shallow relationship where neither dares to “plumb the depths.”
6. Power Struggles. When either the husband or the wife step out of their God assigned roles, the relationship will be dominated by power struggles as each seeks to force their will on their mate, The resulting problems will eventually become a major crisis for the relationship. Those problems will usually be “gunny-sacked” until some thing triggers an all out battle.
“Every use of power, whether open or veiled, whether perceptible or imperceptible, is a tiny step or a giant stride toward the dissolution of the marriage and/or the eventual vanquishing of one partner. Power politics turns marriage into a cold war. . . . To the extent that a marriage is governed by power and decisions are made on the basis of that power, it is characterized by conflict and rift or by the emotional pain of the powerless partner” (Cadden 208).
How should decisions be made then, if not on the basis of power? Ronald V. Sampson writes in The Psychology of Power:
“Every human being may seek to order his life and his relations with others on the basis of love or on the basis of power.” To the extent that power is the prevailing force in a relationship --- whether between husband and wife or parent and child, between friends or between colleagues --- to that extent love is diminished. We can develop our capacity for power, or we can develop our capacity for love. We cannot do both. Nor can we opt out of making the choice between the use of power and the use of love in our relationships” (Cadden 209).
If this sounds familiar to the Christian, and it should, it is because God operates in our lives from a basis of love rather than power (John 3:16).
Tolstoy wrote, “All happy families are alike, but an unhappy family is unhappy after its own fashion.” Since each individual is unique, there is some degree of truth to this statement.
“The husband and wife are each unique. They have different responses and reactions. One may be more logical and objective, the other more emotional and impulsive. One may be active and aggressive, while the other is more sensitive and emotionally stable. Whatever their differences, the husband and wife must work together to understand and support one another” (Husbands & Wives: God’s Design for the Family 45).
While there are many similarities in situations, the uniqueness of each individual means there can be no cookie-cutter approaches or solutions for all the possible problems a husband and wife will encounter.
How Can a Preacher Help As a Crisis Is Developing?
1. Preachers must acknowledge there is a place for this private work in the church. Preachers need to be sensitive to the entire needs of the congregation. This goes beyond essential public doctrinal teaching and extends into private teaching of individual families and the way we are to be in our families. This is part of declaring “all the counsel of God” (Acts: 20:27).
A preacher can help family relationships by preaching publicly on the subject of the home as a regular practice. A congregation that is not fed God’s word on this subject will not grow in this area. Since God has honored the home by making the husband and wife relationship parallel to the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5), we should honor the importance of that relationship with frequent teaching. However, there are many things that are not easily presented publicly, if in fact they should be presented publicly at all.
Paul said in Acts 20:20, 31, “And how I kept back nothing that was profitable unto you, but have shewed you, and have taught you publickly, and from house to house, Therefore watch, and remember, that by the space of three years I ceased not to warn every one night and day with tears” (KJV).
When Paul told the Ephesian elders, “I have taught you publicly, and from house to house,” I believe this includes private teaching. When you look at the problems the early church members had to overcome in such passages as 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 we can know Paul spent a lot of time “in the trenches” helping individuals privately work out the conflicts in their lives. This same work can be done today.
Whether we call this work a “study” or a “counseling session” or “preaching” is of no consequence to me, just so it is done. Jay Adams writes, “Counseling must be understood and conducted as a spiritual battle. The counselor must consider himself a soldier of Christ engaged in spiritual warfare when counseling. For that battle the “full armour of God” alone is sufficient. In fact, since they (unbelieving counselors) are soldiers in the army of Satan, they are on the other side and, therefore, hardly can be relied upon to free Christian counselees from Satan’s grips” (117).
2. Preachers must be willing to devote necessary time. Each situation can either be short or long-term commitment of time. Many times I will meet with a couple for a few meetings and then we will agree they are to call if they need additional help. I may not hear from them again for a long time, if ever. That is not always the case. A current situation I’m dealing with has involved meeting about every two weeks for the last eight months. That is unusual though. There are families I have dealt with off and on for over ten years on an irregular basis. If we are not willing to devote the time to complete the task, we should not start. We must count the cost (Luke 14:28) to make sure we can make counseling a priority with our available time.
How much time a preacher devotes to private studies of any kind becomes a difficult judgment call. While we must want to help, we must not sacrifice our own families‘ in the process.
The problem (of time) is especially acute for people in the ministry. Here the motivation is not so much financial as theological. What can be more important than doing the work of God? There are billions of people who haven’t heard a decent presentation of the gospel.. . there are swarms of needy, confused, and/or questioning people right at the doorstep.. . how can a pastor or missionary take time even for a cup of coffee with his wife?
There is no denying that all of this drives ministers, missionaries, church executives, and other clergy to unhealthy and even dangerous life styles. This toll is often most apparent in their wives and children. They find themselves with all kinds of feelings of resentment, isolation, and disillusionment not only against the man of the house, but against the God and the institution he serves (Merrill 94-95).
These feelings of resentment, isolation, and disillusionment can become crises in husband-wife and parent-child relationships. Sadly, because of these feelings, many preachers’ children do not love the Lord. They do not know their father because he is always doing the Lord’s work somewhere else instead of spending time at home.
While every preacher should help others bear their burdens (Galatians 6:2), we must not be overwhelmed by the problems of others. There is a big difference between helping someone and allowing your own life and family to be consumed by someone else’s family Crisis. It is not unusual for a troubled couple to soak up help like a Sponge and be very demanding. If this is very short-term, as in a few days, that can be OK. But it must be stopped if it draws on for weeks and the preacher’s family ceases to function because the troubled couple is taking all of the preacher’s time on the phone or in studies. The relationships we so often take for granted at home deserve careful consideration. Time is a precious commodity --- we must guard it carefully. Remember we cannot live others’ lives for them.
3. Preachers must be honest with themselves before starting this work. A very important rule of Christianity is self-examination “Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves” (2 Corinthians 13:5, KJV). Preachers must know themselves well before they attempt to help a troubled relationship I would advise, if a preacher’s marriage is not as strong and secure as he knows how to make it, he should not attempt this work. The tragedies in our brotherhood of preachers being unfaithful to their wives are just sickening when they happen. Every preacher engaged in any kind of counseling must be very careful to safeguard his marriage.
Consider the example of righteous Job. Job is a good example of a man who protected his marriage. If you recall, in the beginning of the book of Job, he loses all of his possessions and his children. All he has left is his wife and his friends. Please notice when Job’s blessing are listed (Job 1:2-3), his wife is not mentioned. Perhaps that silence is intentional.
We first meet Job’s wife after all of their possessions are gone. Job is sitting in the dust, scraping his sores. Job 2:9-10 reads, “Then said his wife unto him, ‘Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God, and die. ’ But he said unto her, ‘Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?’ In all this did not Job sin with his lips” (KJV).
It is very serious for a wife to tell her husband to blaspheme God to hasten his demise. This looks rather like a major conflict to me. Whether or not we are to surmise Job’s wife sinned with her words we are not told. Job called her “foolish” and did not “sin with his lips,” so we can know he was telling the truth.
Obviously Job and his wife communicated again during this ordeal. We see her mentioned when he later reports: “My breath is offensive to my wife” (Job 19:17) (NAS). This does not paint a very flattering picture of Job’s wife, or of their relationship. But look at Job’s commitment to his wife --- “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl” (Job 31:1, NIV). And consider: “if my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor’s door, then may my wife grind another man’s grain, and may other men sleep with her. For that would have been shameful, a sin to be judged” (Job 3 1:9-11, NIV).
Job may not have had a perfect relationship with his wife, but he was completely committed to his marriage. Similarly, a preacher may not have a perfect relationship with his wife, but he must be completely committed to his marriage. To do anything else is shameful and a sin to be judged.
A safeguard of a preacher’s marriage includes not meeting alone with a woman. If a woman wants help with a problem, a preacher should first see if there is an older woman in the church who can help her. Alter all, this is God’s plan (Titus 2:1-6). If that is not possible, the preacher should take his wife with him to sit in on the session. A single preacher should arrange for someone else, such as a church leader, to go with him. If that is not possible, my advice would be, “Don’t get involved.” James Orten advised, “there should be two people, take someone with you and then continue with them” (Yuba City). A preacher should never put himself in a position where he would be tempted and he should avoid being in a situation like Joseph where he cannot prove his innocence (Genesis 39:1-20).
Sadly, it has been proven time and time again, women who seek help for a very troubled marriage are especially emotionally vulnerable. If they are in the company of a man who listens to them, offers helpful suggestions, and helps them feel good about themselves, it is very easy for bonding and affection to occur which can lead to sin.
I once studied counseling with a Christian Church preacher who told me early in his counseling career he did not protect himself and he made a mistake. He shares his mistake with everyone he trains so they will not have the same problem. Our preachers are not immune to this problem. We must not be careless!
4. Preachers must respect others’ right to privacy. Counseling means a preacher is likely to hear many very private details about others’ lives. He should not become “puffed up” (1 Corinthians 13:4) by that knowledge. He should not think, this could never happen to me or my family. 1 Corinthians 10:12 states, “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall” (KJV). A preacher may also be tempted to think ill of the people who confess their problems to him. He should rather love their souls “with a pure heart fervently” (1 Peter 1:22), as he hates the sins that are causing the problems.
5. Preachers must be equipped to do this work. Having the desire to help a couple as a crisis is developing in their marriage is good, but more than desire is needed. If someone were to come to me with a broken leg, while I may want to help, the best thing I could possibly do for them is to send them to someone who is equipped to help them. If a preacher is not equipped to help a couple in the midst of a crisis in their marriage, they need to be sent to someone else with prayers and best wishes.
6. Preachers must remember the necessity of depending of the Word of God. Part of equipping ourselves to help is making a commitment to depend on the Word of God. No matter what conflicts a couple may have, we can know and trust those problems are either addressed directly or in principle by the word of God. There must be no confusion on this very, very important point. The word of God is sufficient to guide us through marital conflicts. It is very easy when studying counseling to be led away from God’s Word. Don’t be deceived by false theories of who we are and why we do what we do. That has led to a nation filled with irresponsibility where no one is to blame for anything any more.
I do not mean to say that merely reading the Word of God will solve every family’s conflicts. Obviously, if that were the case, there would be no marital problems. I think the Word must be explained and diligence must be given to understand it so there can be a proper application in the lives of the individuals involved. “They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read” (Nehamiah 8:8, NIV).
When we help someone with a marital conflict, our purpose is to give the couple the “sense” or the clear meaning of God’s Word, and to help them understand what God’s will is for them in each situation and what the consequences are for their decisions.
This is where books and guides by other authors can be helpful. Not first, because God’s Word must always come first, but as a means of helping us understand and explain God’s principles. The simple rule is: understand God’s principles first, then use helps from others to explain and apply those principles.
Do not minimize the value of education in counseling. We are fortunate to have individuals in the brotherhood who are highly educated in counseling. This is a real blessing. They can help those of us who attempt to do the work but do not have the education. I must mention Bro. James Orten and the great service he has given the
church. He is and has been a mentor for many.
In 1982, James held what he called an “Advice Session” for individuals interested in counseling at Yuba City, California area, where he was holding a meeting. Bro. Bennie Cryer was working there then and arranged the session. This sufficiently aroused my interest to start equipping myself to “practice” on my dear brethren.
7. Preachers must be sensitive to warning signs of crisis. Public confessions of “I’m not being the mother, father, husband, wife, I should be” are usually signs there is something going on in the home that is not being dealt with successfully. There are many problems people can develop in their lives that do not go away just because of a public confession. They must be dealt with in an appropriate way. This is nothing new. If a man confesses to being a thief, while we accept his confession, we also insist he makes restitution for that which he has stolen.
If a preacher notices someone breaking down and crying during a sermon it may be a signal something is wrong in his life and he needs someone to ask him, “Would you
like to talk?” Sometimes a drastic change in behavior can be a signal all is not well. For example, a couple used to stick around and visit, now they leave immediately after the last “Amen.”
Also, these questions and statements can be signs a crisis is near:
· “I don’t think I love my spouse anymore.”
· “My spouse does not appeal to me anymore.”
· “My spouse doesn’t treat our children the way they should.”
· “My spouse spends too much money.”
· “My husband won’t work to provide for the family.”
· “My wife won’t keep our house clean.”
· “Help, I feel like a prisoner in this relationship.”
· “My spouse won’t talk to me about anything.”
· “My spouse criticizes everything I say.”
· “My spouse won’t have sex with me as often as I like.”
· “My spouse hit me today. It is not the first time.”
· “We have just grown apart --- how can I get out of this marriage?”
8. Preachers must have a method of helping others. While I make myself available for counseling, I do not force my services on anyone. If someone says something about their relationship or asks a question that I believe warrants investigation I will ask them, “Would you like to make an appointment?” If they say yes, we arrange the time and place. Many who know I counsel just call and ask if I have an opening. If some one does not show up for an appointment I do not call and ask them why, I assume they worked out the problem in another way.
I prefer to have the troubled couple travel to my home. This gives me more time with my family (which is important to me since I work a secular job), and also forces the couple to commit to going to some effort for help with their relationship. Since I do not charge for my services, I attempt to “create value” in this way. Also, time spent in the car gives the couple time to talk to and from the appointment. Children are not allowed in the study unless the session is a family meeting where the children have been invited. My wife often volunteers to provide baby sitting.
I make every attempt to create a serious atmosphere for the session. After all, there is much to accomplish in as little time as possible. Glasser says, “Therapy is a special kind of teaching or training which attempts to accomplish in a relatively short, intense period what should have been established during normal growing up” (Reality Therapy 24). So, the object is quickly to help the couple take responsibility for their lives so they can start their relationship in the right direction.
When the couple arrive, we go to my study. I do not use the “visiting” part of the house for counseling. The people I counsel are often people I see and worship with regularly --- I do not want them uncomfortable coming to our house to visit. My family stays away from my study and I am only interrupted if there is an emergency. I offer soft drinks, tea, water, or such like. I have tissues in the room by the couple’s chairs. My tools are a Bible and a pad and pen for taking notes.
After some small talk to help everyone be as comfortable as possible I ask the couple, “Why are you here?” I want to know their reasons for asking for my help. I want to know what their expectations are from each other and from me. Usually, each wants me to “change their spouse” in some miraculous way so their relationship can be “fixed.” Many times I will have no previous warning of what the problem is. It is important not to be overly shocked or surprised at anything that is revealed as you find out what each of them want in their relationship.
A typical wife wants a husband, home, children, security, affection and tenderness,
companionship and strength. She is really asking for a kind of husband-father-lover-
friend. Usually the young wife is expecting all this of a man much too young to be
emotionally mature, and therefore, he is normally incapable of satisfying all of her
needs. Consequently she may feel frustrated and cheated.
A typical man wants affection, emotional support, sexual fulfillment, a companion, a hostess, a wife-mother-companion-friend. But the young woman whom he has chosen is, like himself, usually too young an emotionally immature to be able to fulfill all his needs. When the realities of marriage set in, they try to change each other, either through criticism, manipulation, or some form of domestic blackmail. It is not uncommon for a wife to withhold affection as a form of punishment, and for the husband to seek to control or manipulate his wife through the use of money, or the refusal to communicate.
A far more creative solution is for them both to sit down with a competent marriage counselor and learn to communicate about real problems. Long before they are likely to do this, however, she may have him cataloged as either manipulative, stingy, sarcastic, or just plain difficult. And he may complain that she is a sloppy housekeeper, given to frequent temper tantrums, or sexually frigid. If they battle about these symptoms without ever getting down to the real basis of their problems, it is highly probable that they are headed for either a lifelong power struggle or the divorce court (Osborne 166).
Examples of what a couple might say include these stories:
One author described a bad relationship: “It’s like living with a rattlesnake. If you
don’t disturb it, you are safe. If it moves, you maintain your distance. All you trust is your ability to get away” (Kilgore 13).
A husband reports: “I remember the anxiety and pressure I felt driving the car when Jan was with me. I had to make sure I was going the right direction, the right speed and to the right place, to avoid her criticisms. One day we drove to the mall, and I remember thinking, there are three thousand parking places here and I’ve got to choose the ‘right’ one” (Frank 150).
Next, I explain my role in the meeting. I want to share God’s principles with them to help them with their problems. I promise to be straight and not beat around the bush with them. If I disagree with them, I am going to say so, and I expect the same from them. I promise confidentiality unless authorities must be notified because of a crime, or the leaders of the church must be notified because of the sin that is involved. I may discuss their situation with my wife because a woman’s perspective is invaluable in relationship problems (I can trust my wife completely to keep whatever is discussed confidential.) I may consult a licensed professional if I need additional help with the case. I promise not to discuss their situation with inquiring individuals and not to use them as examples in sermons or everyday conversation. I encourage them to talk to anyone they want to or need to about our time together, but I won’t. I couldn’t begin to keep straight who I have talked to and who I have not, so I just don’t talk about the sessions I have. James Orten urges confidentiality, even to the point of saying “if two church leaders work together they must not even tell their wives” (Yuba City Advice Session).
If the couple’s problems have been developing over a long period of time, I seek to understand their past appropriately. This includes their childhood and how their families functioned. I want to know about their parents, whether or not there was any abuse or alcoholism or other problems they were raised with as a child that may need resolution. I want an overview of background information so I can have an image of what it is like to be the person I am hearing.
I want to know about their dating, courtship, and their early relationship as husband and wife. if there are children involved I want to know about those relationships. How is, or was, discipline administered and by whom? I also want to know if there have been any recent changes in the major areas of life. Has there been a death in the family? A job loss? Any changes financially? Any changes in health that have warranted a trip to a medical doctor? If, for example, a wife has just gone through a hysterectomy, she may experience medical problems with emotional symptoms. Is either on any new medications with unknown side effects?
I also want to know what the problems are from each spouse’s perspective. I want to know when the problems first started and what happened in the relationship when each problem first occurred. It is important for both to speak during this time and for me to listen at least 90 percent of the time. It is very important not to overly react as I listen. I have found if I am judgmental as I listen, the reporting stops and is not likely to continue. There will be plenty of time for me to express my opinion later. If the couple is particularly troubled, there may not be enough time to hear about all of their problems in one session. I may be given a “teaser problem” while the real problem is not mentioned at all. Sometimes the “real problem” is not known and that is why they are asking for help.
H. Norman Wright, in his book Marriage Counseling, describes a relationship inventory tool, the Marital Assessment Inventory (MAT) that is a detailed eleven page questionnaire to aid in understanding the couple and their differences. This is available from Christian Marriage Enrichment, 17821 17th St. #190, Tustin, California 92680 (87-89).
As I ask questions I try to observe the listening and answering style of each spouse. Some will almost interrupt the question to give their answer. Others will need to think for a long time before they reply. Honor each style, especially those who need to think silently. Don’t interrupt the silence, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem, and don’t allow the other spouse to do all the talking or break in and answer for the one who is thinking. Sometimes a spouse will talk and talk, but avoids or even refuses to talk about the “issues” addressed by my questions. After I notice that happening I will quietly and as respectfully as possible tell them it will be necessary for them to answer the questions in order for the session to continue.
As I listen I make notes of things that are being said. I want to note those areas of the relationship that appear to warrant further discussion. In this way I attempt to estimate the number of times we will need to see each other. James Orten advised, “set up one interview, then if all goes well, agree for four more times” (Yuba City). I will make a special note of anything that jogs my memory of scripture to discuss.
After the interview, I introduce the Bible into the session as quickly as possible and get agreement that it is our authority. This agreement is essential. I usually introduce Ephesians 5 into the first session with an overview of husband and wife relationships.
Based on what I hear I may decide not to help. If, for example, one of the individuals has been a heavy user of drugs in the past and they are on continuing medication and they want me to help them with the voices they hear and the persecution they think they are enduring, I am not going to be able to help much. While I will attempt to comfort them from the Scriptures, I will refer them to a licensed professional for the help they need. If someone is currently on drugs and having problems in their marriage and only wants help with their marriage, I cannot proceed until they agree to get help to stop taking drugs.
After hearing about some problems, I will encourage the couple to see a doctor and me at the same time. With mutual permission they share his advice with me and mine with him. The doctor provides the educated advice and I provide the scriptural. If I disagree with his advice I give the couple the scriptural basis for what is right and seek their agreement. They then relay that information to the doctor. Examples of when I would refer a couple to a doctor is when one spouse has a disease that effects emotions or when a spouse was severely abused as a child. An example of when I would send the doctor my disagreement with his advice is if he advised the couple to divorce merely because the couple are not happy with each other. Usually, once the Doctor understands the value system the couple say they possess, there can be excellent cooperation. Not always, though, which makes referrals quite risky.
Some areas of the country have digressive church counselors which have been used with limited success. I would really be careful using them. While they use a scriptural basis for their counseling, they will not help in areas where we have doctrinal differences. I used to refer couples to a preacher in the Christian church who is an excellent counselor, but always eventually minimizes our doctrinal differences and attempts to woo our members. I have stopped giving him any referrals.
In each session, I usually talk about the role of husband and wife in the home. Many problems in the home are over misunderstandings of headship and submission on the part of both. “One marriage counselor told a troubled couple, “It doesn’t matter what it is that starts the fight: In-Laws, money, children, vacation—what you are really fighting about is, ‘Who will be the boss’ “ (Christenson, The Christian Couple 137). Helpful verses to study with the couple include 1 Corinthians 11:3 and Ephesians 5:21-33.
Generally speaking, in a troubled relationship, the man does not know how to be the servant-leader in his home, and the wife does not know how to be his submissive helper.
The Christensons write:
"If God’s order is going to work, husbands must get a grip on how a Christian man exercises authority, and wives on how a Christian woman submits to that authority. Jesus said, “You know that those who are supposed to rule over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all” (Mark 10:42-44).
Headship is a means of serving others. That is its essential function. One who exercises headship must understand it first of all as a position from which to serve. This. does not mean that one in headship is under the authority of those he serves and takes orders from them. On the contrary, the particular kind of service he gives them is the
service of leadership.
As head, a husband serves his family by giving them intelligent, sensitive leadership. His headship is not meant for domineering and stifling his wife and children, but for leading, protecting, providing, and caring for them (Christenson, The Christian Couple 125).
I also talk to the couple about taking individual responsibility for their role in the home. After all, God did not say to only love and respect a perfect mate. Each is to love and respect the other by virtue of being married. This is so very, very difficult to trust when a couple has experienced a lot of pain in their relationship. I encourage the couple to choose to love each other and to choose to be committed to each other after the example of Christ.
If our appointments continue for some time I will likely do a Myers-Briggs-temperament test. The one I am familiar with is from the book, Please Understand Me. This instrument can point out natural differences that can cause irritation and problems. I have also used the Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis (TJTA), but that requires a licensed administrator to interpret the test. H. Norman Wright describes the TJTA in his book, Marriage Counseling (323-330).
When a preacher gives advice to a married couple the easiest source for examples is obviously his own marriage. James Orten advised, “Do not do that.” It was his suggestion that a preacher not set himself up as the example to be followed (Yuba City).
Once the counseling relationship is established, the pattern I follow for meetings is:· Review the relationship since we last met;
· Review the success of previously agreed upon solutions to a problem;
· If appropriate, identify a new problem;
· Discuss the problem;
· Discuss what each can do to start solving the problem;
· Plan a solution and seek agreement;
· Prayer.
It is a tremendous responsibility and privilege to be asked to help a couple in a time of crisis. Souls are at stake and a preacher must not take that responsibility lightly. I don’t presume to know all of the answers in dealing with a couple in a time of crisis. Many times I have encountered situations where I am not sure of the best course of action. Sometimes sin is so piled upon sin in a relationship, it appears there are no “good” choices left and the only thing left is to select the best of the “bad” choices that remain to start the relationship moving in the right direction.
I am sure there are as many methods of dealing with a couple in the midst of a crisis as there are preachers and counselors who attempt to help. Methods and books I have studied include: James Orten’s suggestions, as explained at the Yuba City meeting, Marriage Counseling by H. Norman Wright and other books by him, Reality Therapy by William Glasser, Competent to Counsel and The Christian Counselor’s Manual by Jay Adams. These and many other books offer step by step ways to counsel others.
For example, the eight steps of Reality Therapy are:
1. Make friends. Ask what do you want? And then ask: what do you really want?
2. Ask: What are you doing now? What are you choosing to do now?
3. Ask: Is it helping? Or, is, it against the rules?
4. Make a plan to get what you want or what you really want.
5. Get a commitment.
6. Don’t accept excuses.
7. Don’t punish but don’t interfere with reasonable consequences. Don’t criticize.
8. Never give up. Do not confirm the failure identity
(Glasser, The Basic Concepts of Reality Therapy).
The Church’s Reaction
How should other church members react when a marriage crisis occurs so that it does not have a negative effect upon the entire congregation?
The worst thing other church members could do is pretend the crisis did not happen. Since our marriage relationships are to be like the relationship between Christ and the church, we only cheapen that relationship if we ignore marriage crises.
The congregation should react with sorrow that a sinful situation has affected the peace of the family and the congregation (1 Corinthians 5:2). If the case is extreme, as in a spouse ran away with someone else, this will hit the congregation very hard and much bitterness may be directed toward the sinful brother or sister. There will be a time of mourning as the congregation adjusts to the loss. As long as the congregation does not get stuck in mourning for too long, there is no cause for undue concern. What “too long” is becomes a judgment call. As soon as possible, the bitterness must fade and a forgiving spirit must eventually prevail.
If the crisis is less than the one described but still severe, rather than taking sides and speculating about the why’s and wherefore’s of the problem, I would urge other church members to give both husband and wife reassurances of their love and support during this time. This can be done in person or with a card.
Many times it will be impossible for the congregation to tell who is at fault without
investigation. Surface information is often not sufficient. If, for example, a sister who
has always had long hair cuts her hair, it will be very easy to point out that sin
(1 Corinthians 11:3-16). Obviously she is wrong and should not have cut her hair. However, what the congregation cannot see may be that the sister is reacting to an abusive situation or unfaithfulness at home and cutting her hair is a cry for help.
Members should volunteer to help the couple if they can, but they must be careful not to be trapped into becoming a game piece if each spouse in the troubled marriage tries to win the congregation over to their side. Also, members should not become the unending sounding board for an unhappy spouse who has no intention of changing the quality of his or her relationship. Some have no intention of changing who they are, yet they seek for others who will listen to them complain long and loud about their spouse. Such becomes gossip that was condemned in young widows in 1 Timothy 5:13 --- “And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not” (NKJV).
Members should be supportive of both, but cannot attempt to live their lives for them, or totally disrupt their own family life to take over the life of the couple in trouble.
The congregation needs to be supportive, but must not condone any sin. For example, an offending husband may say, “Yes, I hit her, but she nagged and nagged until I had to hit her to shut her up. I just had to.” No one should fall for that and think the husband is without fault. Neither should anyone think the wife is OK because nagging is a lesser sin than hitting. Sin does not excuse sin. The entire congregation should be urged to pray every day for the husband and wife.
Members must not be filled with pride. They should remember the old saying, “There but for the grace of God go I” and examine themselves and their own relationships. They should use this time of crisis in someone else’s relationship as an opportunity to examine the depth of their own relationship and recommit to the vows they made when they married.
Positive Prevention StepsWhat positive steps should a couple take to prevent a marriage problem from
becoming a crisis?1. Get help with the issues that cannot be resolved on their own. Many times people are afraid or ashamed to seek help. While they would not hesitate to call the fire department if their house caught on fire, they will hesitate to ask anyone for help as their marriage goes up in flames. Sometimes they think there is no one who will keep their problems to themselves and they don’t want their dirty laundry spread all over the brotherhood. (This has happened far too many times.) Other times, the couple is so filled with pride they just cannot ask for help. They may have always appeared to have the “perfect” marriage and to admit otherwise would be just devastating.
The couple should swallow their pride, take whatever risks they must take and ask someone they trust to help them with their problems. If the person they ask cannot help, perhaps they can direct them to someone who can.
2. Realize there are no quick, easy fixes to marriage problems. I always ask the couple I am counseling, “How long have you been married?” After the answer I tell them, “You have been preparing for this moment in your relationship for that same number of years. If it took you this long to be this unhappy with each other, please do not expect all of your relationship problems to go away easily or quickly.”
3. Determine to change and learn new relationship skills. If a troubled relationship is to change, it will be because each is willing to change who they are. If they are not willing to change, chances are the counseling will not do any good. When I bring up change being essential in the beginning, I usually get excellent attention and complete agreement. Each sits there thinking, “That’s right, my spouse does need to change.” Later, when I remind them they both must change, agreement is much more difficult.
If the relationship is to change, it will be because the people in it change the way they act and react with each other. Since change is very difficult for most people these new relationship skills must be committed to and learned over time. Like riding a bicycle, there will be many spills as the new skills are learned.
4. Be willing to rebuild the foundation of the relationship. Our Master Teacher reminds us of the value of the right foundation:
“Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of Mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: and the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock, and every one that heareth these sayings of Mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: and the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it”(Matthew 7:24-27, KJV).
Many marriages are built upon the wrong foundation, especially as it pertains to head-ship and submission in the home. Larry and Nordis Christenson write:
Headship and submission are the superstructure upon which marriage is built. The strength and stability of the marriage depend upon this relationship being maintained. If a wife loses her submission to her husband, she loses her unity with him. If a husband abdicates his responsibility as head, he strikes at the very core of the relationship which God has established between him and his wife.
The relationship is designed to build up both husband and wife, according to the divine model. The Father exalts the Son. He delights to lift Him up, to honor Him. This is the way headship behaves when it is grounded in love. The courtesy which a husband shows toward his wife, the way he honors her before the children, his open and evident esteem for her, is the foundation upon which the wife’s respect and trust in her husband is built. And then she, in turn, will acknowledge and exalt her husband, gladly submitting to his authority-as Jesus exalts the Father and submits to His authority (Christenson, The Christian Couple 157-158).
Many times a husband wants to be the head of his house, but he does not know where to start. The husband’s best example to follow is Christ. One of my all-time favorite books on the family is The Christian Family by Larry Christenson. As far as I know it is out of print, but I see it often in thrift-stores. I buy every copy I see and give them away to anyone who will take them. Here is the outline of what he explains in great detail to the husband: “Husband, love your wife --- sacrifice yourself for her, care for her spiritual welfare, go the way of the cross before her, and exercise authority in humility” (126-135). While no husband can measure up to Christ, nevertheless He is every husband’s example.
Similarly, a wife may want to be submissive, but she does not know where to start. “What is submission?” Practically speaking, it means recognizing that the husband has the responsibility for making the final decision when you do not agree” (Christenson, The Christian Couple 135). When a wife is treated as she should, it will be as easy as possible for her to be a submissive wife. In fact, when the husband is who he should be, submission from his wife is rarely an issue, she will respond with love to love and with respect to respect. How else could she respond to her husband who proves every day he is willing to “go the way of the cross before her” after the example of Christ.
Just as Christ loved us when we did not deserve it, a husband should love his wife and go the way of the cross before her even when she does not deserve it, just as the wife should love and respect her husband even when he does not deserve it.
5. Determine to return a blessing for an insult. No Christian is to return evil for evil in any relationship. Somehow many forget that truth when they get behind closed doors.
1 Peter 3:9 reads, “not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (NAS). A couple is very wise if they will determine to return a blessing for an insult in their relationship.
The blessing-for-insult relationship can be defined as “continual, active kindness.” It is rooted in a forgiving and gracious heart. It means that when your mate disappoints you or hurts you your responsibility is to find a way to bless him or her. Giving a blessing means that your hope is in God and His Word and that you choose to do good to another regardless of what he or she has done to you (Homer 108).
The contrast between an Insult-For-Insult relationship and a Blessing-For-Insult
Relationship is as follows:Insult-For-Insult Relationship.............Blessing-For-Insult Relationship· Human Perspective........................Divine perspective
· Based on selfishness and circumstances...Based on God’s Word
· Results: punishment, anger and barriers..Results: purposeful action, transparency
· Reactive: emotionally centered...........Responsive: God-centered, supernatural
· following natural instincts..............response
· Attitude: tear down, depreciate;.........Attitude: build up, appreciate the other provoke the other person more..............person; provoke confession, godliness, and blessing (Homer 109)
When we strike out at our mate returning an insult for an insult we are, in a sense, taking vengeance on them for a perceived hurt. Vengeance belongs to God, not to a husband or wife.
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19-21, KJV).
6. Forgiveness. Often a couple keeps track of every problem they have ever encountered. This ends up being a huge pile of unforgiven trespasses. Each guards their pile very carefully and is able to recall every straw in the stack with amazing accuracy. When faced with the need to forgive these trespasses, the couple is often unwilling to do that. This has become their foundation, the core of their relationship. In order for bitterness to be replaced with love, this core must be replaced. That means forgiveness is absolutely essential because love cannot grow where there is harbored resentment from past problems. When counseling, I often ask the question, “Have you forgiven him or her for that?”
I know of nothing that is more therapeutically effective than forgiveness. Are you looking for the “silver bullet” of counseling? You need look no further. Forgiveness is the “miracle drug” that can heal the heart of bitterness, anger, pain, hatred, violence, and other deep and abiding wounds (Bulkley 170).
7. Knowledge of God’s Word. When we want to know about a medical problem we consult a physician. In times of marriage problems we must consult the Great Physician (Matthew 9:12) for help. When a marriage problem occurs, God’s Word must be consulted because we can be assured we are not in compliance with God’s will somewhere.
“If you are experiencing trouble at home, then God is not in control of your marriage! Stop trying to pretend otherwise. Stop trying to place all the blame on your partner. Finding a solution to your conflicts begins by admitting your own mistakes. You must yield your own personal “rights” to Christ and let him be Lord over your home. Surrender your lives to his control” (Hindson 39).
Ed Buildey writes:
One of the deepest needs of the wounded heart is peace. Note in our passage from Philippians how Paul connects peace with a spirit of thanksgiving. He writes, “With thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).. . His peace guards the heart, our emotional center, from the discouragements and fears that inevitably strike when we are faced with the uncertainties of life. And it is significant that part of this peace comes from sheer obedience-that is, righteousness: simply doing what God says to do. Paul affirmed that truth when he said we are to protect our heart with the “breastplate of righteousness” (Ephesians 6:14) . . . The point is this: We will never experience peace of heart when we are disobeying the Lord. Husbands, we will never have peace when we are harsh and unloving toward our wives. Wives, you will never experience peace when you are in rebellion toward your husbands (226-227).
8. Have a correct understanding of love. Love is often only associated with a warm feeling of general good will toward others. In fact, biblical love is far more complicated than that and needs to be understood well in marriage.
The first and most important component of love in a marriage is the agape love. This love is introduced to us in John 3:16 and is commanded in the home: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25, KJV). This is the love of sacrifice and is not based on feeling. This love is a complete and total choice.
When a couple tells me they do not love each other, I always respond with, “You can if you choose to,” referring to this kind of love. This is the love that gives for the good of others by the sacrifice of self. All other love in the home needs to be based on this foundation. Vivian Cadden writes, “If power politics in marriage consists of applying pressure by withholding something that is needed or desired, the politics of love are exactly the reverse. They consist of taking off pressure and giving as freely as possible of oneself” (210).
The next area of love in the home is the love of affection. It is referred to in Titus 2:4 --- “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands” (KJV). This love is philandros, which is a love of fondness and good feelings. Barnes says, “No wealth or splendor in a dwelling --- no gorgeousness of equipage or apparel --- no magnificence of entertainment or sweetness of music-and no forms of courtesy and
politeness, can be a compensation for the want of affection” (275)
A marriage without this type of love will be very unpleasant. “Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: . . . an unloved woman who is married” (Proverbs 30:21, 23, NIV). I encourage couples to be good friends. When they are not, it is usually because they do not do the things that good friends do, such as spend time together and talk without harsh judgment.
A husband may embarrass his wife in front of her friends. He may belittle her all the day long. He may act careless and unconcerned about her welfare and make unreasonable demands on her time and again and then before retiring at night, he may say, “I love you.” Under the circumstances, his statement is empty and hypocritical. It is good for husbands and wives to tell each other, “I love you,” but it is equally essential that each partner conduct himself in a way that reflects and proves his love” (Barnes, Irvin).
The next area of love in a marriage is the physical, eros or erotic love. God blesses physical oneness in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-5) and it is so important that each spouse’s body does not belong to themselves alone, but also to the other. While this aspect of love is very important in a marriage, it is not more important than the other two areas of love we have discussed. This love can only be as intended when the other two areas of love are firmly in place. A marriage that is only based on physical desire is destined to be very miserable and ultimately will fail.
James Orten in his book, Marriage In A Chaotic World asks the question, “Is it possible to restore lost love?” James answers, “If you mean is it possible to restore the euphoria of romantic love once it has been lost, the answer is probably not. But if you mean is it possible to restore lost love of the mature type, the answer is yes” (196).
9. Do not use things or children as a means of problem solving. I have seen individuals move from one city to another or from one end of the country to the other thinking once they get to another city or state, everything will be fine with their marriage. I have witnessed couples who have said, “When we get a new house everything will be fine with our marriage.” I have also seen couples think their relationship problems can be solved if they have a child. James Orten discusses that issue in Marriage In A Chaotic World:
“Sometimes individuals whose marriage is in trouble are advised by friends and relatives to have a baby in the belief that it will strengthen their marriage. I think that is bad advice. The extra burden seems about as likely to hurt a marriage as to help it. Then, too, children do not need the job of making their parents happy. They ultimately sense the expectations their parents have of them, and it feels like exploitation to know one was wanted for something other than himself” (199-200).
Not only is having a child to save a marriage bad advice, moving to a new state or occupying a new house does not change the individuals involved in the troubled relationship. Just as soon as the “honeymoon” of the new experience wears off, the same old problems are there.
Methods of Dealing With Conflict
The best time to think about how to solve a problem is when the problem does not exist. While peace-time problem solving might not cover every possible angle of marital problems at least it can lead to an agreement that the couple will work together to solve their problems, and that they will not give up on each other. That is why I start teaching a couple how to resolve problems even before they are married whenever possible.
David and Vera Mace, in their book, We Can Have Better Marriages If We Want Them, divide couples into three categories. They speak of conflict-excluding, conflict-avoiding and conflict-resolving couples. Conflict-excluding can happen when the Bible’s teaching about submission is misunderstood or misappropriated. The couple adopts a one- vote system, in which the husband assumes total authority and in which the wife’s opinion is considered to be of little worth. This attitude erects a blockage to intimacy. The conflict-avoiding attitude encourages the fear that there are certain subjects that a couple dare not discuss because on previous occasions confrontation led to the sort of tension that neither of them can tolerate. The danger of avoiding conflict is that you distance one another Conflict-resolving couples discover new and sometimes amusing pathways through conflict by making disagreement work for them (Huggett 93-94).
If a couple will agree to use a method of dealing with problems, they have a much better chance of working through them. While the problem might not be pleasant, it can be dealt with. I have included several methods for conflict resolution. What they all have in common is a crisis does not have to be the end of the relationship.
Charles Swindoll writes on “how to have a good fight”—
1. Be committed to honesty and mutual respect.
2. Make sure the weapons are not deadly
3. Agree that the time is right.
4. Be ready with a positive solution, soon after the (verbal) swing.
5. Watch your words and guard your tone.
6. Don’t (verbally) swing at your mate in public.
7. When it’s over, help clean up the mess. This involves kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness (Swindoll, Strike 111).
Bob and Jan Homer write that there are four possible ways of dealing with conflict:
Fight to win: The “I win, you lose/I’m right, you’re wrong” position. Domination is usually reflected in this style; personal relationships take second place to the need to triumph.
Withdraw: The “I’m uncomfortable, so I’ll get out” position. Viewing conflict as a hopeless inevitability kills the interest in even trying to work out a resolution. Personal relationships take second place to avoiding discomfort.
Yield: The “Rather than start another argument, whatever you wish is fine” position. People who take this approach assume it is far better to be nice, to submit, to go along with the other’s demands than to risk a confrontation. To them, a safe feeling is more important than a close relationship.
Lovingly confront: The “I care enough about you to deal with this issue as it really is” position. This approach offers the maximum possibility of satisfactory resolution with the minimum of threat and stress. The relationship is valued as higher than winning or losing, escaping, or feeling comfortable (69-70).
H. Norman Wright says, “Every married couple needs to know how to deal with
conflict in a creative, constructive way.”
Objectivity, flexibility, willingness to compromise (Is squeezing the toothpaste tube at the bottom rather than in the middle really one of the big issues of life?) and the willingness to let the other person be himself, all need to be developed if couples are to enjoy a satisfying and growing marriage relationship.
When conflict comes, it should be faced with the understanding that disagreements do not mean that the entire relationship is on the verge of breaking down. Nor should a disagreement be a trigger for a knock-down, drag-out scrap (verbal and/or physical). Husbands and wives need to know how to “disagree agreeably” or to put it in a little stronger terms, “fight fair.” Unfortunately, few couples get any training on how to “disagree agreeably”: and “fight fair” before marriage. As a result, their disagreements often turn into spats, heated arguments and quarrels. All of this really isn’t necessary. Any couple can cope better with conflict if they use the following ten principles.
1. Don’t avoid conflict with the silent treatment.
2. Don’t save “emotional trading stamps.”
3. If possible, prepare the setting for disagreement.
4. Attack the problem, not each other.
• back up accusations with facts
• remember to forget (stay in the present)
• no cracks about In-Laws or relatives
• no cracks about your mate’s appearance
• no dramatics (crying, threats)
5. Don’t throw your feelings like stones (at your spouse).
6. Stay on the subject.
7. Offer solutions with your criticisms.
8. Never say, “You never” or “You always.”
• turn down the Volume
• don’t exaggerate.
9. Don’t manipulate your mate with, “It’s all my fault.”
10. When you’re wrong, admit it; when you’re right, shut up. Be humble --- you
could be wrong (Wright, Communication. . . 138-157).
Jay Adams recommends a “Problem-Solution Sheet” with columns headed “What
happened (describe the problem), what I did (my response to what happened), what I
should have done (Biblical response), and what I must do now (steps to rectify matters)” (The Christian Counselor’s Manual 311).
Special Relationship ProblemsThrough the years, there have been many attempts to label certain characteristic combinations in order to have a common basis for discussion. We are comfortable and accustomed to this when discussing religion. When we discuss the digressives or denominations, we have a common basis for discussion because of our common knowledge of the definition of these terms. This also happens in counseling. Certain characteristic combinations are defined with a title in order to have a common basis for discussion about those problems.
1. Codependency. One of the more popular terms in use today is codependency. It is described as follows:
In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.
The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self-personal identity-is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.
Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things-money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. Our patients have described it as “walking around feeling like the hole in the center of the doughnut. There is something missing inside me” (Hemfelt 11-12).
Codependency brings with it a kind of radar. A person scoring, say, 80 on our scale will gravitate unerringly to someone who is perhaps between 75 and 90. Two hundred people mill about in a grand ballroom. One ranks 85; all the others are below 20. An 8O-scoring codependent who walks into the room will single out that one other codependent in the crowd. Every time, beeline (Hemfelt 117).
The ten traits of a codependent are listed below.
1. The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
2. The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
3. The codependent’s self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.
4. A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
5. Conversely, a codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
6. The codependent’s relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
7. The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
8. The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well try to change them.
9. A codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.
10. A codependent is constantly looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life (Hemfelt 28).
2. Mysogynistic relationships. Author Dr. Margaret Rinck describes mysogynistic (literally, hatred of women) relationships.
A woman should examine whether her marriage relationship has most of these characteristics:1. The man assumes that he has the “God-given” right to control how she lives and behaves. Her needs or thoughts are not even considered.
2. He uses God, the Bible, and church doctrine to support his “right to tell her what to do,” and demands that she “submit” unquestioningly to his desires, whims, decisions, or plans. There is no sense of mutuality or loving consideration. It is always his way or nothing.
3. She finds that she no longer associates with certain friends, groups, or even family members because of her need to keep him happy. Even though these activities or people are important to her, she finds herself preferring to avoid them in order to “keep the peace.”
4. He believes and acts like her opinions, views, feelings, or thoughts have no real value. He may discredit them on general principle or specifically because “she is a woman and easily deceived like Eve was.” Or, he may give lip-service to respecting her thoughts, but later shoot them down one by one because they “are not logical.”
5. He acts charming and sweet at church and is well-liked at work, yet at home the family has to “walk on eggs” to prevent setting him off. People who do not see him at home find it hard to believe that she really is suffering emotional abuse. He reinforces this feeling whenever she points out the differences between home and church by saying something such as, “Oh, quit exaggerating. I’m not like that!”
6. When she displeases him and he does not get his way, he yells, threatens, or sulks in angry silence.
7. She feels confused by his behavior because one day he can be loving, kind, charming, and gentle; the next he is cruel and full of rage. The switch seems to come without warning.
8. No matter how much she tries to improve, change, or “grow in the word,” in her relationship with him, she feels confused, inadequate, guilty, and somehow off balance. She never knows what will set him off next, and no matter how much she prays, he never changes. She almost feels she must be “crazy” and she is sure it is her fault.
9. He acts possessive and jealous, even of her time with the children. He may even try to restrict her normal church activities because “a woman’s place is in the home.” If other people, especially other men, notice her or talk to her, he becomes very angry or jealous.
10. When anything goes wrong in the home or in their relationship, the problem is always her. If she would just be “more submissive” or “obey me like a good Christian wife,” everything would be fine. He seems blind to any cruelty or misbehavior on his part. He actually sees himself as virtuous for “putting up” with a woman like her” (20-22).
ConclusionWhen Christ is loved, honored, and obeyed from the heart by all in a home, the husband and wife of that home will have a confidence that cannot be shaken by the storms and trials of this life. While they will have their share of problems, they will know they can work through the problems because that is what Christ wants and deserves from their lives. May every husband and wife live the words of Jesus who said in Matthew 19:6 --- “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man (and we add: nor any crisis) put asunder” (KJV).
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