In jest, I once asked a man in the church if he had ever heard of that old question that could not be answered: “Are you still beating your wife?” Obviously embarrassed, the man replied, “That’s a good one, isn’t it?” Strangely, a few Sundays later his wife appeared at worship in sunglasses. As it turned out, he had been beating her for years. Spousal abuse was just one of the family’s many secrets.
Is there abuse in homes in the church today? I am sad to report the answer is “Yes.” What kind of abuse is in homes in the church? Every kind that can be named or imagined. This should not surprise us, since all of us are capable of every sin. Abuse in the church is obviously not out in the open for everyone to see, or else it would certainly be stopped just as soon as it is known.
Most of the time, when abuse exists in a family it is the best kept secret in the house. We need to understand there is tremendous pressure in an abusive family for the abuse to be kept secret. The abuser and the abused will often go to great lengths to keep their secret hidden. The abuser wants the secret kept so they can continue their evil deeds. The one being abused is usually threatened into silence or so ashamed they do not want to say anything. Both will likely evade questions, even deceive and lie rather than reveal the family’s dark secrets. In abusive families, as an author has said. “The world of the living is always fraught with deception. Beneath the placid surface, ugly mechanisms grind away at secret tasks” (Koontz 55).
We may think that if a child is molested it was just an unfortunate accident, a spur of the moment decision that happened to be wrong. From my studies, I don’t believe that is possible.
“Molestation is not merely a chance occurrence that comes into the mind of offenders in a short time. Instead, they carefully and deliberately train their victims for offense. Observation and research have led psychologists to see sexual abuse as a coldly calculated and carefully planned crime of opportunity in which other family members may collude.
Before the crime can take place, the offender has carefully set up a situation in which he can make the crime happen: he has groomed both family and victim to a state where they will not object too strenuously.” (Vredevelt & Rodriguez 69).
When all family members “agree” to keep quiet about such secrets, those secrets become powerful, though unacknowledged, shapers of behavior. Claudia Black, in her book “It Will Never Happen To Me,” has identified three almost universal rules in dysfunctional families. They are: “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.” When those secrets become known, all who are involved need a lot of help to recover from their problems.
We have families in the church today who are mired in the midst of an abusive situation. Some have been disclosed and are in the slow, painful process of recovery. Other abusive situations. I am sure, have not yet been discovered, but they exist, damaging lives today and tomorrow and through future generations. For any family to keep abuse secret and not talk, not trust and not feel; robs each family member of the dignity and self-respect God intends them to have.
Here are some typical abuse reports:
A mother says. “A teenage boy in the congregation has molested my son.”
A little girl tells her parents on the way home from seeing relatives. “Uncle ______ always hugs me funny.”
A family tells you. “We just found out our son and daughter have been abused by a relative who has been staying with us.”
A wife comes to worship with her arm in a sling. You are told she fell. She falls again a month later, only this time she has a black eye.
You are speaking to the little children at worship and see bruises on the back of a little girl’s legs. You mention the bruises to the parents and they tell you. “She won’t cry so we used a wire coat hanger on her.”
You hear a father saving to his child. “You are the most worthless child I have ever seen. How can you be so stupid?”
The mother of a confessed teenage child molester tells you. “I don’t want the congregation to know my son is a molester. Will you keep it a secret?” You later see the molester holding a little girl.
A wife says to you, “My husband has admitted fondling our little girl.”
A wife says, “My husband got mad and knocked a hole in the wall. Last time he broke a lamp.”
A husband tells you. “My wife started spanking one of the children and couldn’t stop.”
You are visiting a home and the wife says, “My husband really doesn’t treat me like he should, he yells at me and pushes me.” The husband interrupts to say, “We don’t need to bother the preacher with that. We’ll talk about it later.”
A broken-hearted, gray-haired sister tells you. “Our thirty-five year old daughter just told me my husband sexually molested her for five years when she was growing up. I did not know.”
Please know, these situations are very real in the church. I personally know of far too many abusive situations in the church from the past and present. Even one is too many. We must stop this horrible sin and not have it named among us. I would love to think just mentioning the sin of abuse would cause it to go away. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that is not realistic.
For many years abuse of any kind has been hidden and denied in our nation. In the past, children were not considered believable if they told a story of abuse. Also in the past, a wife was not considered credible if she dared speak out against her husband. Not anymore.
In fact, today the pendulum of belief has swung to the other extreme. Today a wife is considered a very credible witness, even against her husband. And it is not uncommon for a child to be believed before an adult. Sadly, it has been proven time and time again, that if a child is not properly interviewed when abuse is suspicioned, he or she can be coached and manipulated into saying and believing abuse has occurred, when actually it has not. This, by the way. is only one reason why a preacher should never, never counsel a child or a woman alone. It is just not wise.
The Wall Street Journal recently reported about Wenatchee, Washington:
“[A] town nestled in the foothills of the Cascades, population 59,000. Since the child sex ring investigations began here, move than 40 people have been arrested—several charged with 2,400 and more counts of sex abuse. One woman was charged with 2,400 counts of child rape—a lifetime’s work. Child Protective Services has by now placed some 50 children of the accused in foster homes. Among those tried was 31-year-old Sunday School teacher Honna Sims, accused of raping and molesting children during the group sex adventures at Pastor Roberson’s church every Friday and Sunday night --- charges of which she was later acquitted. One child testified he was so tired from having to engage in sexual acts with all the adults at the church on weekends that the pastor would write a note to the school to get him excused on Mondays.” (Wall Street Journal, September 29, 1995).
Remember, the Sunday School teacher in question was acquitted, but at tremendous cost, not only financially but emotionally as well.
There has been a popular movement the last ten years or so for therapists to help patients recall abuse that happened at such an early age it cannot be remembered, or was so painful it was repressed and cannot he recalled without extensive help. This theory of repressed memories has achieved such popularity that by 1993 some 21 states had altered their laws allowing an extension of the statute of limitations so individuals can be charged with abuse they are accused of committing two or three decades earlier. In March 1992, the False Memory Syndrome Foundation met for the first time and at that time consisted of the parents of 4,000 families who say they have been falsely accused of sexually abusing their children (Networker 20)
Even though the possibility of false accusation is real and does exist, we must not deny, nor can we minimize the reality of abuse in our society and in the church.
There are many different forms of active and passive abuse including: sexual abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and substance abuse, which includes legal and illegal drugs and alcohol. There is child abuse, spousal abuse and the abuse of those who are older, known as elder abuse.
In my research I even found a book entitled “Churches That Abuse.” The book’s cover states its purpose is to help those “hurt by legalism, authoritarian leadership, and spiritual intimidation” (Enroth). By the way, the Boston Movement of the church of Christ is listed in that book.
A Bible character who could have been listed in that book, but is not, is the evil Diotrephes (3 John. 9-10):
“I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say. For this reason, if I come. I will call attention to his deeds which he does, unjustly accusing us with wicked words; and not satisfied with this, neither does he himself receive the brethren, and he forbids those who desire to do so, and puts them out of the church.” (NASV).
The word in verse 10 translated “puts them out” in the NASV, or “casteth them out” in the KJV, means “literally, to cast forth, with the suggestion of force” (Vine 340).
An author rites:
“Churches and families often mirror one another. Secrets, abuse, and immorality tolerated in the one can he practiced in the other. Anything that can run in families can run in churches. The pastor who lives in immorality will attract families who tolerate immorality. Similarly, abusive families will tolerate abusive church leadership.” (Carder 141).
On the other hand, families who are not abusive will not tolerate abusive church leadership. This can sometimes explain the migration of Christians away from a congregation when there is a change in the leadership and the new leadership can he described as domineering tyrants, or “lords over God’s heritage” (I Peter 5:3).
The dictionary defines “abuse” as: ‘n. 1. Improper or injurious use; perversion; misuse. 2. ill-treatment; cruel treatment; injury. 3. Vicious conduct, practice, or act (Funk & Wagnall’s).
Society and law have further described abuse to mean anything that goes beyond the bounds of proper behavior in any relationship. Each form of abuse must be carefully studied and compared to the principles we know from God’s Word.
H. Norman Wright reports:
“When Congress passed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act in 1974, the act identified four kinds of abuse: (1) physical, (2) neglect, (3) emotional and (4) sexual. Neglect occurs more than we realize, and includes abandonment, neglecting needed medical treatment, inadequate provisions for the child’s basic physical and educational needs.
Physical abuse usually refers to brutal physical contact rather than accidental. This can include any behavior that either intends to inflict, or actually does inflict, physical harm. It consists of pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping, kicking, biting, choking, punching, hitting with an object or attacking with a knife or gun.”
Emotional abuse has a multitude of expressions. Scare tactics, insults, yelling, temper tantrums, name calling and continual criticism fall into this classification. Threatened violence is a form of emotional abuse, too. Holding up a weapon, swinging a fist near the person’s face, destroying property or kicking a child’s pet falls into this category. Withholding privileges or affection or constantly blaming one family member for the family s difficulties is abuse.
Domestic abuse is much more common in couples who come for counseling than ministers and therapists may be aware. The violence is directly related to the patterns of power and communication between spouses that have been influenced by each person’s values, esteem and family background (Wright 242).
One definition of child molestation is by Anna Saltzor in “Treating Child Sex Offenders and Victims”:
“Child molestation is: sexual activity between a child or adolescent with an adult or another child five years or more older than the child. Sexual activity will include exhibitionism, voyeurism, fondling, oral genital sex, (any form of) intercourse, photographing or otherwise exhibiting children sexually, exposing children to pornographic literature, and forcing or manipulating children to engage in sexual acts with each other or with animals. Sexual experiences with relatives and violent or coerced experiences will automatically be considered sexual abuse regardless of the age differential. There are exceptions to the age-differential criterion when common sense will indicate that a particular situation is abusive, for example, manipulated consent of a retarded child by a non-retarded child of a similar age.”
It may seem strange that child abuse is such a huge concern in a nation which believes and encourages the ultimate child abuse, abortion. Nevertheless, our country has a conscience in the area of child abuse for which we should be thankful. We can only hope and pray that same conscience will extend to unborn children in the future as well.
Society, in an attempt to overcome extreme, abusive, punishment of children has bent completely the other direction, and “some psychologists and psychiatrists have stated explicitly that no parent should ever spank a child” (Dodson 61). This popular theory causes a great deal of problems for parents. When parents punish their children how are they to know when punishment stops being normal behavior and becomes abusive? Obviously, we do not seek this knowledge to see how close to abuse parents can be and get away with it, but so they can avoid the problem altogether.
Charles Swindoll answers this difficult question:
“Since ours is a day of extremism, it is necessary to clarify a few distinctions for there to be complete understanding. First, there is a distinction between abuse and discipline. Invariably, when someone desires to find fault with a person who believes in the disciplining of children, the most effective way to do so is to claim abuse.
Let us not forget the Bible requires the discipline of children: “Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell.’” (Proverbs. 23:13-14, NKJV).
Zerr comments: “We thus see that the beating does not necessarily call for harsh or brutal use of the stick, but only such use as to accomplish the correction needed” (191).
Abuse Discipline
Unfair and unexpected Fair and expected
Degrading and demoralizing Upholds dignity
Extreme — too harsh, brutal Balanced — within limits
Torturous-leaves scars Painful-but leaves no scars
Results from hatred and Prompted by love and concern
resentment
Creates terror, emotional Leads to healthy respect of and
damage and resentment for authority.
of authority
Destroys self-esteem; Strengthens self-esteem;
leads to horrifying, leads to the individual’s
permanent damage and ability to later discipline
the inability, later in life, himself
to maintain responsibilities
(Swindoll 94)
This Old Testament general rule about discipline must be reconciled with passages like: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, NKJV).
We can conclude, while punishment for a child is appropriate, it is not intended to result in severe harm or death for the child, and should not unnecessarily provoke them to anger. Any parent who abuses a child in the process of punishing them is wrong, just as anyone who abuses a child for any reason is wrong.
Abusive situations in the Bible involving children include: Cain who slew his brother Abel (Genesis 4); Joseph. whose brothers sold him into slavery (Genesis 37); Pharaoh who ordered young boys killed in the days of Moses (Exodus 1); Herod; who did the same thing in the days of Christ (Matthew 2); and Tamar who was raped by her brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13). While the Bible is not replete with examples of abuse, nevertheless, we can learn that abuse of children is wrong by the positive commands and examples of the Scriptures.
Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 2:7, “But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children” (NKJV). Also, in 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12, “For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God. who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (NIV).
Fathers and mothers are to be gentle, and to encourage, comfort, and urge their children to obedience and correct behavior. These verses then must be reconciled with other passages that explain the consequences to children when they do not obey their parents. Since children are commanded to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1). there obviously must be consequences for the lack of obedience. The consequences can be found in Hebrews 12:5-11.
“And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.’ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (NIV).
Can a father be encouraging and exercise discipline? Can a mother be gentle and discipline her children? Yes, obviously. Every child is to be disciplined (V. 7). The discipline is expected to hurt (v. 11). but will ultimately produce respect (v. 9), righteousness and peace (v. 11).
Popular methods of child discipline today vary quite a bit from a few years ago. Here are the results of a l962 survey of how parents disciplined their children under the age of 14: 59% spanked, 38% denied TV privileges, 23% lectured and 20% used time-outs.
A follow up 1992 survey shows: 38% use time-outs, 24% lectured, 19% spanked, and 15% denied TV privileges (Wall Street Journal, April 13, 1993).
While no one method is guaranteed to be effective 100% of the time, each can be right or wrong depending on the occasion, and the consistency with which discipline is administered.
Dr. C. Henry Kempe, a pediatrician at the University of Colorado School of Medicine, first used the term battered-child syndrome. The term child abuse covers at least three separate entities: physical assault, physical neglect, and emotional abuse and neglect. In the first of these the child is a victim of an act of aggression.
These case histories are typical of thousands:
Case 1: Police found a nine-year-old girl in a closet measuring twenty-three by fifty-two inches, where she had been locked for half of her life. She weighed only twenty pounds and stood less than three feet tall. Smeared with filth and scarred from parental beatings, this child had become irrevocably mentally damaged.
Case 2: An eleven-year-old boy was brought to a San Francisco hospital suffering from severe malnutrition. He weighed forty-four pounds, had a body temperature of eighty-four degrees and was in a coma. The suspicious marks on his wrists and ankles were related to his mother’s and her boyfriend’s immobilization of the boy for hours on end by means of handcuffs, chains and locks.
The second variety of child abuse, physical neglect, is probably many times more frequent than either the medical profession or the police can document. The third form, emotional abuse, is not only difficult to define but more difficult to detect and prove— after which comes the very difficult task of rehabilitative therapy . . . To begin to grasp the enormity of the problem, consider that in 1972 there were 60,000 child abuse incidents which were brought to official attention in the United States. Just four years later, in 1976. the number that received official attention passed the half-million mark. Reported cases of child abuse probably represent only about half of what really occurs ... An especially alarming form of dehumanization is the apparent increase of incest. Dr Harry Giarretto, director of the pioneering Child Sexual Abuse Treatment Center in San Jose, California. says that incest is an epidemic in America. Dr. Amanat. who heads up the Sexual Abuse Committee in Saint Louis, believes that 40,000 of the 1.000.000 victims of sexual abuse a year are victims of incest. Some say that incest is the most frequent unrecorded crime in this country and much more common than general child abuse or child neglect. (Schaeffer 29-31).
We see an article like the one that follows far too often:
“The beating started at dinner time, then 6-year-old Malcolm Jones refused to do his homework. By the next morning he was dead, covered with blows from a belt and a packing-crate board, the victim of what police called four hours of ‘torture.’ And his great aunt and guardian Mae Robertson, 48 was arrested on suspicion of murder.” (The Sacramento Bee, September 13, 1995)
Reports of child abuse in the United States have grown from 6,000 in 1963 to 1,477,000 in 1983 to 2.936.000 in 1992 (Social Work Research).
California reported over 500,000 incidents of child abuse in 1989. The types of abuse in order of the highest number of reports are as fellows: General neglect. physical abuse, sexual abuse, caretaker absence, severe neglect. emotional abuse, and exploitation (The California Child Abuse & Neglect Reporting Law, April 1991).
I have also learned abuse can be added to the list of the many reasons children leave the church after they grow up and leave their parent’s home. This is not to say abuse is involved in all cases, or even in very many cases, but I know from my work through the years this can be a major contributing factor.
It far too common for sin to be blamed on someone other than the sinner. Just as Adam blamed the woman for his sin (Gen. 3:12), abusers often blame the one they are abusing with such reasoning as : “I had to hit my spouse. She deserved to be hit just like my mom used to.” ‘I had to heat my children just like I was beaten as a child.” Contrary to popular belief, abuse is not genetic. It is not a disease that can be inherited or caught. It is not a personality trait that some possess and others do not. It can, however, be learned.
Dr. James Dobson writes:
“We parents develop our child-rearing styles primarily from watching our own mothers and fathers who served as role models. Even when we disliked what they did to us, we were influenced by the standard they set. ‘This is how the job is done,’ they seemed to say. Thus, when we are grown and have children of our own, our tendency during times of frustration and stress is to imitate what we learned at home: More than 60 percent of abusive parents were themselves abused as children ...”
Even though we understand its cause, child abuse cannot be tolerated. Its effect on a developing youngster can be devastating. That’s why I recommend loving toughness when one parent observes consistent violence being inflicted on a boy or girl by the spouse. What one permissive parent may interpret as child abuse may be, in fact, good discipline by the other spouse. The ideal approach is for mothers and fathers who disagree on techniques of discipline to discuss the matter with a wise, neutral counselor who can mediate the conflict.
But let’s be realistic. There are hundreds of thousands of homes today where one parent is aware of injustice and cruelty on the part of the other. Perhaps the father over-reacts in response to routine childishness, beating the kids in anger or vindictiveness. Or maybe a mother is thrashing a colicky infant or punishing an older child too severely. What is a concerned parent to do under those circumstances? If he goes to the authorities, he threatens to destroy his home and incur the wrath of his spouse. Furthermore, the family’s reputation in the community will he tarnished and their friendships undermined. Often, the price is too great and the mother or father chooses not to pay it. Therefore, their little children suffer the brunt of this injustice without advocacy.
Worse yet, I have become aware in recent years that many mothers knowingly permit their husbands to abuse their daughters sexually for the same reasons! I have seen numerous situations where a little girl was expected to relieve the sexual pressure on her mother by satisfying the father’s passions. Unbelievable, you say! Hardly! It is estimated that 20 to 25 percent of all females in this country were sexually abused as children, most of them in their own homes.” (154-156).
H. Norman Wright writes:
Abusiveness is a learned behavioral response. It is neither a disease nor a personality defect. All people are capable of and have the potential for violence. Excessive anger is not inherited. This helps couples realize they are responsible for doing something about their behaviors.
“Abuse” can he defined as any behavior that is designed to control and/or overcome another human through the use of fear, humiliation and verbal or physical assaults. In a sense, it is the systematic persecution of one family member by another.
During recent years, researchers have been able to answer most of our questions about the circumstances leading to. and involving, abuse in marriage.
· Where does most marital violence occur? Usually in the home and most often the living room or the bedroom.
· Is there a safe place within the home? Strange as it seems, the bathroom becomes the safe place where family members take refuge. It’s usually the only room that has a lock on the door.
· Are certain times more vulnerable for violence to occur? Most couples become involved in abuse between 6:00 PM and midnight. Other common times are weekends, Christmas and New Year’s Eve and Day.
· The evening meal can create an abusive climate because of family tensions. During the dinner, family members often tend to complain about their day. Many of the conflicts begin about control of the children, money matters running second.
· Does abusive behavior become more severe over time? A serious finding is that as the frequency of abusive episodes increases, the more severe the episodes become.
· A couple’s working pattern seems to contribute to the likelihood of abuse. Abuse is more common when the spouses work on different rotating shifts or when both are unemployed. Abuse is also more likely to happen when the wife is pregnant (243-244)
· Wright further states “There is a distinct pattern to abuse and especially marital abuse.” This pattern includes what Wright calls “mutual dependency. limited endurance and remorse and repentance” (243-244).
Mutual Dependency or the Tension-Building Phase” is when:
“..the woman senses her mate’s increasing tension. He is ‘edgy’ and perhaps challenges her and tells her she is stupid. incompetent, etc. The woman may internalize her appropriate anger at the man’s unfairness and experience physical effects such as depression, tension, anxiety and headaches. As the tension in the relationship increases, minor episodes of violence increase, such as pinching, slapping or shoving.” (Van De Kamp).
Limited endurance or the “Acute-Battering Incident” is when:
... the tension-building phase ends in an explosion of violence. The woman may or may not fight back. Following the battering, she is in a state of physical and psychological shock. The man may discount the episode and underestimate the woman’s injuries (Van De Kamp).
This is then followed by remorse and repentance also known as “Loving Reconciliation.”
During the last phase of the family violence cycle, both parties have a sense of relief that “it’s over.” The man is often genuinely sorry for what happened and is fearful that his partner will leave him. He apologizes and may “shower” her with love and praise that helps her repair her shattered self-esteem. He tells her he can’t live without her, so she feels responsible for his well-being and guilty for her actions and blames herself for what led up to the abuse (Van De Kamp).
Then, the cycle starts all over again, often with ever increasing violence!
Why would anyone stay in a situation like this? “While reasons cover the range from children, love, guilt, fear, pride, embarrassment, financial dependence—or a combination thereof—it is very possible the woman is unaware that she may be locked into a violence cycle” (Van De Kamp).
An article in Personnel Journal states:
The Office of Criminal Justice calculates that three to four million women are battered each year. Indeed, according to the U.S. Surgeon General’s office, domestic violence is the most widespread cause of injury for women 15 to 44—surpassing car accidents, muggings and rapes combined. And although women in traditional relationships are the most common victims of domestic violence, this social disease strikes down others as well. Men are abused by female and male partners, parents and siblings beat children, youngsters abuse elders and even roommates can strike each other in anger.
The broken bones and scarred psyches of domestic violence don’t remain at home, either. Domestic violence takes a shocking toll in the workplace --- in lost productivity, increased health-care costs, absenteeism, and sometimes workplace violence. One estimate by the Bureau of National Affairs rings up a price tag to corporate America at $3 billion to $5 billion annually --- a piece of change too hefty to ignore (p. 64).
Nothing has raised our awareness of spouse abuse more than the 0. J. Simpson trial or the murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Whether you agree with the verdict in the murder trial or not, there can be no doubt Mr. Simpson was an abusive husband, and the authorities were really lax in dealing with he situation. Long before football star 0. J. Simpson was arrested following the murder of his wife, he was known to the police in the community where he lived. His wife had called for help eight times before the 1989 night when police arrived at Simpson’s door to investigate a report that he had blackened his wife’s eye, split her lip, and choked her. The football legend told the officers, “This is a family matter. Why do you want to make a big deal of it?” Those words, says columnist Anna Quindlen, speak for thousands of other batterers “who think it is unworthy of public notice they assault the women they live with, bully them with words, silence them with looks, finally shut them up with their fists” (Collins 270-272).
How Can Preachers Help a Family
Deal with Abuse?
Obviously, a preacher can and should be someone to turn to for help with this burden, but please be warned, this is not an easy problem to deal with. This is not the same as studying with a person who has a question about a Bible verse or a doctrinal issue. A preacher can’t share a verse or two and the problems disappear. To help a family through an abuse problem is a long-term commitment that often is filled with much more disappointment than joy for all involved. The family member or members who have been abused must receive special help and attention. The person who is the abuser, the criminal, must receive special help and attention. And the rest of the family must also receive special help and attention.
If this sounds quite complicated, it is. But there is more. Minor children are given protection under the law. So it is very likely any child abuse case a preacher deals with will need to be reported to the proper authorities. Helping abused children may involve knowing what foster home they have been placed in if the children are removed from the home for their own protection. Helping an abuser can involve helping him arrange for separate living quarters or bail to get out of jail. Helping the rest of the family may mean helping them deal with the shock of all the other “help” they have received.
At least in California, and I presume most other states, preachers have an obligation to report child abuse to the proper authorities. In California, preachers as a group are not specifically named as legally mandated reporters, however, the state guide on The California Child Abuse & Neglect Reporting Law states:
Clergy are legally mandated reporters only if they are acting in the capacity of a mandated reporter (e.g.. psychologist, teacher, marriage, family and child counselor ...) at the time they receive the information that causes them to suspect child abuse. Mandated reporters must identify themselves when making child abuse reports, however they have immunity from criminal or civil liability unless the report is proven to be false and the person reporting knows it is false (5, 17).
I would not advise attempting to ignore this law. The guide further states:
“A person who fails to make a required report is guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and/or up to a $I ,000 fine. He or she may also be found civilly liable for damages. especially if the child-victim or another child is further victimized because of the failure to report (5).”
While preachers are required to report abuse, whether or not a problem is abuse becomes a judgment call. I once had a parent confess to spanking a child excessively. I talked very sternly to the parent to warn them of the consequences of continuing in that practice and gave them some alternative punishment methods to use. I chose not to report the incident. As it turned out, I was wrong. My warning was not sufficient help to stop the behavior. School teachers later reported the problem. Can you imagine how I would have felt had I learned a child had been permanently injured or even died because of me failing to report? As it is, the abuse continued longer than it should have.
We must also do what we can to help the abuser. The way a preacher can help is by insisting that the proper authorities be called and the person starts getting the help they need to be rid of this sin in their life. In California, mandated reporters “must clearly understand that his/her responsibility is to make the assessment, determine if ‘reasonable suspicion exists’ and then report. Therapists are not responsible to investigate or collect evidence. The investigation (in the case of child abuse) is conducted by Child Protective Agencies” (The California Child Abuse & Neglect Reporting Law 10). If the problem is spouse abuse, local law enforcement will conduct the investigation. Many times the spouse has the option of whether or not to “press charges.” While that. too, becomes a judgment call, I would usually encourage charges be filed so the family can receive the maximum protection the law allows.
Many times the abuser and their family will want to hide the problem and may even beg the preacher to not to turn them in. Please don’t fall for that. If a problem has been going on for years, mere discovery is not enough to stop the problem. Also, the abuser and their family will likely beg the preacher not to tell the church. What I have done with this request is tell the leaders of the congregation about the problem and leave notification up to them. What I personally recommend depends on the situation. For example, if a confessed child molester is in the congregation, I want every parent to know. But if parents inappropriately punished their child once. I would not feel the same. Or, if a husband was not treating his wife correctly, while I might choose to share that with congregational leaders, I would want it kept quiet if at all possible.
Preachers must not lose sight of sin when dealing with a problem of abuse. It will be everywhere he turns, perhaps in every family member. The temptation will be to ignore it and hope it goes away. I’m sorry, but that is not realistic. We must recognize abuse of any kind as sin. It may be habitual sin, but it is still sin. It may be sin learned as a child being repeated as an adult, but it is still sin. The worst thing to do is to ignore the problem and hope it will go away. Remember, the last thing an abusive individual wants is publicity, but that is exactly what they need. They need exposure. Their deeds that have been committed in darkness are evil (1 John 1:5-6) and must be brought to the light. Remember, people cannot grow and develop in the darkness of evil, but only in the light. That is why God’s discipline is so wise:
“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17. NKJV).
Preachers must educate themselves about abuse in all its evil forms. Take a class, go to the library and read some books, or buy some books to read, look in the phone hook and call Child Protective Services in your area and ask for information, call or visit a shelter for battered wives and ask for information. All of these sources can help educate a preacher in what to look for and give suggestions of what to do.
Preachers must not gossip about these problems. While some may have a “need to know,” most don’t. I advise that we don’t use the problems we encounter as examples in our sermons or in casual conversation. Professional care givers are bound to confidentiality except in those areas where they are required by law to report a problem. Preachers may need to talk to congregational leaders to inform them of a problem, or they may need to talk to someone for advice on how to handle a situation, or they may need to report the problem to the proper authorities, but I do not believe these situations should be discussed in vivid detail with everyone the preacher visits.
Preachers should not attempt to handle a problem they are not equipped to handle. While that may be obvious, it needs to be understood. I have had some success working with individuals who are also seeing professional counselors. The professional counselor provides educated opinions and experience in dealing with similar situations. I provide the spiritual side and filter the advice they are given through God’s Word. There are also educated individuals in the church in various parts of the country who will gladly act as advisers to anyone who calls for help.
How difficult these situations can be is illustrated by a situation described by Dr. James Dobson. A wife (Laura) is beaten regularly by a husband who has a violent temper. Each time the husband insists the altercation was her fault. No one knows of the abuse. Dr. Dobson responds:
As I see it, Laura only has four alternatives in response to her circumstance. They are:
1. Remain silent at home, walk on cracked eggs, and be the eternal conciliator. She is taking this approach now, but it is not succeeding . . . For the long term, this is not the answer.
2. Divorce her husband. As a Christian, I agree with Laura that divorce is not the solution to this problem. Our purpose should be to change her husband’s behavior, not kill the marriage.
3. Proceed with an emotional divorce, remaining married but keeping herself detached and independent from her husband. This form of emotional isolation will shield Laura from psychological pain, but it will make for a terrible relationship. I don’t favor it.
4. The love must he tough response. This is risky and psychologically expensive. but it is my choice and my recommendation. In essence, Laura is being emotionally blackmailed by her husband. He is saying by his behavior, “Do what I wish or I’ll beat you.” She must break out of that tyranny while she’s still young enough to cope with the consequences. This might he accomplished by forcing the matter to a crisis. Change of behavior does not occur when waters are smooth, as we have seen; it sometimes happens after a storm.
I would suggest that Laura choose the most absurd demand her husband makes, and then refuse to consent to it. Let him rage if he must rage. She should prearrange a place to go and ask friends or relatives to step in for assistance at that critical moment. Separate living quarters may be necessary until her husband settles down. He should be made to think that he has lost his wife over this issue, and in fact, I would recommend that she not return until there is reason to believe that he is willing to change. If that takes a year, so be it. When (and if) her husband acknowledges that he has a severe problem and promises to deal with it if she’ll come home, a period of negotiations should follow. One of the conditions for reconciliation is competent Christian counseling for the psychological problem that is now apparent to everyone but the husband (146-150).
Dr. Dobson makes the distinction between a repetitive situation like the one just described and the instance where “a man can become so enraged that he does something he is immediately sorry for and would never do again.” He also addresses the situation where the woman deliberately provokes her husband into striking her so she can then have power in the relationship and can publicly embarrass and humiliate her husband (150).
Next, what should Christians do and not do when they find out about abuse in another Christian home?
Abuse must not be ignored. Think of it and treat it like the worst problem the church has ever encountered. Don’t even think of keeping abuse a secret even if those involved have begged for confidentiality. Abuse is not a secret that should be kept. If anyone agrees to keep the abuse a secret they are aiding and abetting horrible sin that will most likely continue into the next generation of the family. I know of families in the church who are in their fourth generation of abuse. While abuse is not a secret that should be kept, it must be shared appropriately. If Christians find out about abuse in another Christian home I suggest they discuss the problem with a preacher or church leader and enlist their help in following the steps in Matthew 18 about successive discipline steps in dealing with the sin.
It may be he abuse that is discovered is a generational problem that is being continued in the family. Don and Jan Frank write:
We have found that victims tend to marry victims. We find also that spouses of victums who were sexually abused usually fall into four categories:
One. they were sexually, physically or emotionally abused themselves.
Two, they grew up in an alcoholic home or a dry alcoholic home.
Three. they grew up in a rigid, oftentimes “religious” home.
Four. they came from an emotionally deprived home. (151)
Here is advice from H. Norman Wright:
If anyone is currently being physically abused, the person needs to take the necessary steps to he removed from the setting where the victimization is taking place. (This is assuming they have tried on their own through proper confrontation or using a family or friend’s intervention program and nothing has changed.) Each person is a valuable, chosen person and the person’s body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. No one deserves abuse. The person needs to go immediately for professional help.
To help an abused person. (whether spouse, child, or older person) the following steps must be taken:
Find out what the laws are about abuse and what legal steps can be taken. The abused person needs to know her legal status and options, spouse abuse or child abuse laws, police procedures and victim options. A safety plan needs to be devised for the abused person. This should include a safe environment one that is accepting, non-threatening and protective. A plan must he developed to get to the safe environment, including the best timing, transportation, money, clothes and so on. Developing a network of other people to rely on and who can support the abused person is important (244-245).
Let us not forget the Bible pattern for relationships in the home: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it ... Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:25, 33; KJV).
God’s rule for our homes is for them to be filled with love and respect following the example of the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). But, even when a home is filled with love and respect, people can make mistakes and be overtaken in a fault. We need to restore them gently, considering ourselves lest we also be tempted (Galatians 6:1), realizing that we are also capable of the same sin.
God’s pattern that Paul shares with Titus about those who are older advising those who are younger (Titus 2:2-6) is also God’s rule for the home. In the extended family, experienced grandparents with the wisdom of their years can help young husbands and wives and parents deal with potential problems in their relationships. Tragically, with our families scattered to the four-winds across the country, and many times around the world, those who could help are not near enough to help. That means the congregation’s leaders must make sure to provide for these needs and make sure they are met.
One of the fascinating facts of inspiration is that God allows us to see people as they really are. We see Adam and Eve, the climax of God’s creation at their best and also at their worst when they sinned. We see Moses, the most humble man on the face of the earth as he disobeys God, strikes the rock and as a result is denied entrance into the promised land. We see David, a man after God’s own heart lust after another man’s wife and commit murder. We see the bold, courageous Peter deny Christ and get carried away over the false doctrine of circumcision. And when we hold ourselves up to the mirror of God’s Word, we see someone who is painfully human and prone to sin. We need to be willing to see ourselves in as realistic of a light as God allows us to see the people in the Bible. The fact of the matter is, we sin too. And many times our sins are just as bad as the sins of Bible characters. In fact, most of the time, they are the same sins. For many years Christians have been coping with abuse. It is time to stop coping and start the painful process of recovery; then grow enough to be able to prevent the problem in the church before it ever starts.
Sterling writes:
“Denying the existence of sexual addiction and the prevalence of childhood sexual abuse will not make these problems go away. Being properly informed, and then using such information in a positive and constructive way can make a difference” (10)
May God bless us to be strong enough to make a difference.
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Enroth, Ronald M. Churches That Abuse (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1993).
Frank, Don & Jan. When Victims Marry (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1990)
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The California Child Abuse & Neglect Reporting Law. April 1991.
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Jersey: Fleming H. Revell, seventeenth impression, 1966).
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